Stream It Or Skip It: ‘Army of Thieves’ on Netflix, an ‘Army of the Dead’ Spinoff That’s a Zombie-Free Heist Comedy

Those who believe the art of film is being murdered by RAMPANT FRANCHISERY should look away, because Netflix’s Army of Thieves marks the official expansion of Zack Snyder’s Army of the Dead-iverse. (Soon to come: An anime series and a Dead sequel.) Whether anybody actually wants that is moot, because we’re getting it, like it or not. Apropos of something but in the grand scheme of things almost nothing, Army of the Dead was reasonably enjoyable and not entirely a waste of time, although these aren’t exactly open arms welcoming a spinoff about the safecracker character, Dieter, played by Matthias Schweighofer, who not only reprises his role in the new film, but directs it too. Be warned, however — Army of Thieves is a heist comedy, not a zombie movie, so anyone expecting delicious carnage may be disappointed.

ARMY OF THIEVES: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: Dieter is a lonely man with dead parents, no friends and a crummy job where customers yell at him and fleck the plexiglass between them with spittle. His passion is safecracking, but he’s not a criminal, more of a historian and appreciator. He posts internet videos on the topic that nobody watches. His latest video is about a legendary maker of safes who built four safes that are the most ultimately safe safes in the history of safes. And on top of that, they’re works of art and have names based on Wagnerian opera and everything. If you’re really into safes, and who isn’t, you’d love these safes.

It’s six years before the events of Army of the Dead. On the TV in the coffeeshop Dieter visits every day is a news report about the zombie shit that’s going down in Las Vegas. He finally gets a view and a comment on his new video, and it’s a cryptic invitation to an underground competition that’s like a fight club for safecrackers. He’s a nervous and sweaty type, but he’s good, so good, he wins the Safecracker Thunderdome and is recruited by Gwendoline (Nathalie Emmanuel) for a secret project: Cracking the crap out of those very same Wagnerian safes he admires so much. And although they contain large amounts of cash, Gwendoline insists it’s not about the money, but about “the quest.” Dieter digs it. He agrees.

That means he’s now the newbie wide-eyed naif among Gwen’s Heist Crew: Korina (Ruby O. Fee) the hacker, Rolph (Guz Khan) the getaway driver and Brad Cage (Stuart Martin) the self-proclaimed leader because he’s a white American alpha male who aspires to be the theoretical action-star offspring of Brad Pitt and Nicolas Cage. (I can see it.) One safe is in France, one’s in the Czech Republic, one’s in Switzerland and one’s lost, and each one is progressively tougher to access and crack. While Dieter nurses a crush on Gwendoline and she wonders if he’s neurotic in a very cute way, a high-strung Interpol agent (Jonathan Cohen) catches wind of the scheme and vows to stop them. NO SPOILERS but I don’t think the question here is whether they succeed, but how many convoluted movie-heist schemes/sequences we can tolerate in a single movie.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Army of Thieves is like an Ocean’s Eleven movie crossed with Hot Fuzz, minus any inspired ideas.

Performance Worth Watching: Schweighofer’s relative enthusiasm only goes so far when a screenplay isn’t up to snuff.

Memorable Dialogue: Dieter is a dork:

Dieter: Not to be ol’ Johnny New Guy-

Gwendoline: That’s not an expression.

Sex and Skin: None, unless you think the safe knobs look like nipples that Dieter twists with tender sensuality (and you probably do).

Our Take: The first time we see Dieter crack a safe, he puts his ear up against the door and the camera zooms into the inner workings of the lock so we can see the tumblers and gears spinning and clicking into place in full CGI — and it’s clear this man has the COCHLEA OF THE GODS. Now brace yourself for five more near-identical sequences, because he’s got three safes to crack during the fight club and three to crack during the quest. (Gee, I wonder why it’s more than two hours long.) This movie is safe porn: Dieter is the naive delivery boy bringing pizza to bored housewife Gwendolin, and the money shot is when she stands wide-eyed as he spins the big wheel and the door pops open to reveal the naked moolah behind it.

And like porn, after the first shebang, the whole affair is repetitive, just-get-it-over-with fodder. To its credit, Army of Thieves doesn’t take itself seriously, although it never inspires any big laughs, is frequently enamored with its own quasi-cleverness and is littered with too many annoying self-referential nods (e.g., when a cop quips, “Feels like we’re in a spy movie!”). We get it — the movie knows it’s a movie. Hooray for the movie. The movie is self-actualized. Maslow would be so happy for the movie.

Schweighofer’s presence is amiable, but his character is an underwritten collection of cliches. Dieter’s romance with Gwendoline never ignites; the story is structured like a break-up-and-make-up rom-com crossed with an action film; it’s sprinkled with references to Army of the Dead for no good reason, and yes, I know that one reason is to Establish the Franchise as a Franchise, which is not a good reason. The film is ultimately too predictable, a Dollar General padlock on a lunchbox that we spend two-plus hours busting open only to find a half-eaten PB&J and a buck-twenty-nine in misc. change inside it. Do we ever care if Dieter and Gwendoline kiss and/or get away with their heists? Eh. Not really.

Our Call: Cut 25 minutes and write better jokes, and Army of Thieves might be decent disposable entertainment. But alas. SKIP IT.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.

Watch Army of Thieves on Netflix