Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
I cannot stress how happy I am to have the opulent tornado of television insanity known as Billions back in my life. The Showtime series about money, power, and more allegorical monologues than you can shake a stick at returned for its fifth season on Sunday.
Last year, the first five minutes of the Season 4 premiere featured a coke-addled Wags (who I must parenthetically add is the bee’s fucking knees) being drugged and kidnapped at a strip club, Axe politely telling Chef Ryan that breakfast is for losers (my words not his), and adult man with a job Chuck Rhoades gleefully bopping along to Al Green’s “I Feel Good” during a business meeting. These capital letter Shenanigans are what I genuinely love and respect about Billions: literally anything is possible.
The Season 4 opening was a lavishly bizarre maze of wonder, so how could the Season 5 premiere possibly surpass its predecessor? Would the new season begin with Wags congratulating Axe on becoming the new lead singer of Led Zeppelin? Perhaps the opening shot would be Axe purchasing the Minnesota Timberwolves and leading the squad to NBA Finals glory as he averages 20 PPG as the team’s plucky point guard? When everything’s possible, anything is feasible.
At this point in my Billions fandom, I enter each season with a devil-may-care optimism best expressed via a still from the hit NBC sitcom Seinfeld.
The season premiere of Billions somehow managed to out-Billions itself. The season officially starts at Papa Rhoades’ wedding, but to me, Billions Season 5 truly begins with Axe and Wags attending an ayahuasca retreat somewhere off the Alaska Canada Highway.
This plays out exactly how you imagine it would.
Oh yeah. That’s the stuff.
Axe is suffering from a serious case of spiritual ennui after joining the exclusive $10 billion dollar club. I guess that means he never got around to watching The Social Network? The middle of the episode is vintage Billions, consisting of a medley of insults, clandestine meetings in peculiar locations, a killer ’70s soundtrack, and meaty monologues. It’s the conclusion of the episode, however, that delivers the cherry on top of a decadent season premiere sundae.
There’s discord between Axe Cap and the team from the newly-subsumed Mason Capital. After problem solver extraordinaire Wendy Rhoades is reminded that Axe Cap used to be a fun place to work, she concocts a plan to boost employee morale, which I’m all for. Last year, our lobby gave out free ice cream and people around here wouldn’t stop talking about it for a week. But an all-you-can-eat ice cream bonanza isn’t the Billions way. Instead of a therapeutic team meeting or handing out $25 Amazon gift cards, Wendy enlists the help of WWE Raw Women’s Champion Becky Lynch. In what will surely be a giant headache for the Axe Cap HR Department, “The Man” angrily rushes into the office to fight Wendy. But much like Macho Man Randy Savage at WrestleMania VI, Lynch is physically dominated by a Rhoades.
Turns out, it was all a ruse. Lynch and Wendy are friends and Becky explains the importance of teamwork to this affluent group of adult men and women who are supposedly paid an exorbitant amount for their perceived intelligence. Wendy’s scheme makes little practical sense, but it makes 100% Billions sense as evidenced by everyone in the company nodding along in astonishment as if Lynch’s “be nice to your co-workers, dummies” speech was Jack’s “live together, die alone” lecture from Lost.
Bonus shoutout to real-life wrestling fan Dan Soder (Mafee) for trying to get a “holy shit” chant started.
The scene concludes with both Axe Cap and Mason Capital lavishing Wendy and Becky with applause. It may not have been free ice cream, but Wendy Rhoades and WWE Superstar Becky Lynch saved Axe Cap, which is the most Billions-y way to start a Billions season in Billions history. Welcome back, old friend. We missed ya.
Billions airs Sunday nights at 9:00 p.m. ET on Showtime and every night in my dreams.
