Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
What comes to mind when you think of Stuart Little? Probably a sweet movie about a sweet family who adopt a sweet mouse to be their sweet son. Well throw those assumptions in the trash, dear reader, and look at the cold hard truth: the Little family was a group of monsters.
If you don’t remember a middling family movie about a mouse voiced by Michael J. Fox from 20 years ago, you probably need to rethink your priorities. But I guess I can help. The film starts with the Little parents, played by Hugh Laurie and Geena Davis, waltzing into the most relaxed orphanage in all of New York in search of new brother for their son. That’s where they meet Stuart (Fox), a talking, reading, clothes-wearing mouse of indeterminate age who has never been adopted. To echo Davis’ answer from the first moments in the movie, Mr. and Mrs. Little immediately know that Stuart is the son for them. They adopt him immediately.
And when I say immediately, I mean immediately. There’s never a discussion about why adopting a mouse son may be complicated. No one ever mentions the special preparation Stuart certainly requires. There’s never any sort of explanation about why this orphanage seemingly contains dozens of human children and one super-smart mouse. There’s never even any paperwork. They just scoop up Stuart and head home. I’ve spent more time fretting over which avocado to buy than the Littles ever gave to figuring out what the best living arrangements may be for their mouse son.
That’s strike one when it comes to the Little family’s negligence. But the biggest, most devastating blow comes only seven minutes into the film. For you see, the Little family has a cat. And not just any cat. The Littles have a massive, grumpy, elitist furball who is very outspoken about cat superiority and wanting to eat mice.
Here’s how Stuart and Snowbell (Nathan Lane) first meet. Stuart, the lonely orphaned mouse who has finally found a home, is minding his own business. Snowbell immediately tries to eat him:
The Littles then lecture their cat:
And Snowbell and his wounded ego spend the rest of the movie seeking revenge. I mean, just look at this Disney villain glare:
Let’s set aside the conceit that the Little family knows their cat is smart enough to understand them; and yet they demote him to family pet while letting Stuart be their son. These people walked into New York City Public Orphanage No. 3 knowing they had a cat. They KNEW Snowbell was a fluffy monster. Every cat owner knows their cat is an asshole. That just comes with the territory. And yet they still walked away with a brand new mouse son without doing any sort of preparatory work. That was your plan, Littles? Just wing the arrival of your two-inch child? I’m calling negligence.
It was very kind that the Littles adopted Stuart when so many others ignored him. It’s also clear that they love him. They buy him adorable little doll clothes and become genuinely depressed when he disappears (thanks to a master plot arranged by THIER CAT SNOWBELL). But sticking Stuart in the same house as his natural predator is patently insane, even if that predator is an adorable Chincilla Persian played by five of the best cat actors in Hollywood.
Look, if you have a furious, hungry cat, you don’t get a mouse son. I’m sorry, but that’s the way it should be. This is the hill I’m dying on.
