‘The Mistle-Tones’ Deserves To Be A Christmas Classic

Is five years enough time for a movie to be considered a classic? I don’t know why I phrased that as a question, because I already know the answer: the answer is “yes,” if that movie is the 2012 ABC Family (now Freeform) original movie The Mistle-Tones. This TV movie was released as one snowflake in cable’s seasonal avalanche of festive flicks, and I firmly believe that it deserves to be singled out like the unique Christmas movie it is. Miracle on 34th Street, White Christmas, A Christmas Story, Home Alone, Elf, The Mistle-Tones–they should all be required viewing every December.

I know what you’re thinking: “Isn’t this just a dime-a-dozen Christmas movie, churned out by networks quickly and cheaply with a stock plot and old sitcom stars?” I answer: what’s wrong with that? I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that, as a Christmas maniac, I’ve seen around a hundred or more of these kinds of movies, and very few of them are watchable. I can confidently state that Mistle-Tones is exactly what you think it is, but I also know that it is the absolute best version of exactly what you think it is. The Mistle-Tones proves the quaint cable holiday movie can be endlessly rewarding and legitimately–not ironically–entertaining.

The Mistle-Tones‘ plot is basically Mean Girls vs. Office Space in Pitch Perfect. ’90s sitcom vet Tia Mowry stars as Holly, an all-around sweetheart with killer pipes and a willingness to blackmail that desperately wants to join The Snow Belles, a show choir that performs on Christmas Eve in a shopping mall. That’s her goal, and Mistle-Tones has Holly clearly state it repeatedly.

Holly’s deceased mom founded the Snow Belles decades ago, but the choir’s fallen under new management that won’t pay Holly any mind. The Snow Belles (which could also be called the Mean Belles) are led by Marci, played by ’90s primetime soap vet Tori Spelling. This is the role of a lifetime for Ms. Spelling, who imbues Marci with a ferocious energy that I can only describe as Paris Hilton meets Skeletor.

Marci is always dressed like a snow-themed James Bond villain, cutesy dog always in her arm. She locks herself away in a cold, palatial mansion decked out in icy holiday decorations, where she arranges flowers while crushing dreams via speakerphone. She’s a classic campy villain, and Spelling tears into the role (and also a mall Santa).

After Marci denies Holly entry into the Snow Belles, unexplained divine intervention inspires Holly to take matters into her own hands and ask the mall manager if another group can perform on Christmas Eve. The manager–who is also pulling double duty as Santa Claus, perhaps because the mall Santa budget was blown on holding an elaborate Christmas Eve concert?–goes along with it because this entire movie is propelled by characters asking themselves, “Eh, why not?”

That’s not a dig, either, because it makes Mistle-Tones a briskly-paced 90 minutes. Characters just go for it, whether that means a mall Santa/manager agreeing to produce a massive American Idol-style try-out concert or Holly’s introverted office drone co-workers signing on to sing in an unnamed show choir.

Competing against the Snow Belles at the Linden Grove Mall’s newly-established Christmas Eve show choir sing-off (just want to point out that malls do not generally have show choirs in residence) is Holly’s ragtag band of comedy archetypes, all played to perfection by a super game cast. The fact that this movie has two leads with strongly defined personalities is a feat. That’s why it is even more amazing that it adds in a colorful cast of misfits: the bro-y A.J., nerdy Bernie from human resources, uptight boss Nick, and the lovable and somehow not gay Larry. No joke, I would 100% watch a Mistle-Tones sitcom.

This being a movie about a singing competition at a mall (it will never make sense, and that’s part of the joy), you bet there are a few rehearsal montages where classic carols are given a modern twist. The first one actually makes “12 Days of Christmas” listenable while showing just how different these two show choirs are. The Snow Belles are stiff and stuffy:

And Holly’s group, who are finally given the Mistle-Tones name way late in the game, dance like they’re asking their Santa to put five golden rings on it.

While this movie is obviously the GIF that keeps on GIFing, it’s hard to convey through animated images just how good this movie’s script is. Written by Scott Thomas and Jed Elinoff, The Mistle-Tones succeeds where so many of these movies fail. It has aggressively clear characters, rock solid motivations, and a plot that is pleasingly predictable. That predictability is enhanced by stray zingers, bizarre set-ups, and line deliveries that feel pulled from a modern comedy like New Girl. Like, there’s a scene up top where Holly’s dad (Reginald “Carl Winslow” VelJohnson!) is side-eyeing his grandsons as they just stare and scream at each other for, as the kids admit, no reason at all.

It’s weird! And there’s another line where Bernie, who wanted to audition for Holly in privacy, calls out what the script is having her do:

These bits whiz by, but comedy nerds like myself will enjoy catching all those little eccentric moments.

The most refreshing thing of all, though, is that Mistle-Tones is a movie about a working woman’s pursuit of extracurricular creative fulfillment. There is a love story in here, because these movies do not get made unless they can end on a kiss, but it is super not the point. It’s so not the point that Holly interrupts her first kiss to talk about the choir competition! So many of these movies are saddled with generic romcom will they/won’t they. The Mistle-Tones is allowed to run free.

I have to point out, in case it’s not been clear yet, that The Mistle-Tones builds to a sing-off in a mall, the prize of that sing-off being singing in the mall, the very thing they are doing in order to determine who gets to sing in the mall. The competition and the prize are the exact same thing. I love it.

All this adds up to an experience that I enjoy more and more every December as I rewatch Mistle-Tones, a movie that I now own because I love it too much to allow Freeform to dictate when I watch it. It’s poppy, fun, a little weird, and is a subversive take on the cable Christmas romcom. That makes it more delightful than every single one of its made-for-TV peers.

The Mistle-Tones is a new Christmas classic in my home, and it should be one in yours too.

Where to watch The Mistle-Tones