How Many Dicks Are In ‘American Vandal’?

By now, you likely know the big question of American Vandal — Who drew the dicks? However, as I started watching Netflix’s eight-part mockumentary series, a different question haunted me. Going in, I knew the show was going to have a lot of dicks. And I wanted to know exactly how many.

In a move that I think would make the obsessive and fact-focused Peter (Tyler Alvarez) proud, I set out to find the answer to that question. I combed through all four hours and 27 minutes of the miniseries to find my answer. But I didn’t stop there. Just as Peter didn’t stop investigating after he heard about Alex Trimboli’s (Calum Worthy) suspicious handjob, my quest for the truth no one wanted extended far beyond just the dicks we see on screen. I also calculated how many times we hear the words “dick,” “penis,” “ball hairs,” and most incriminatingly of all “Dylan” episode by episode. Welcome to Decider’s dick count.

A couple of notes before we get to the dirty details. When it came to on-screen dicks, I only counted the dicks I could mostly see. There are several instances where the graffiti-filled parking lot is shown, often in Instagram compilations and slideshows. For these scenes, I only counted the dicks I could clearly see on my laptop screen even though there were a total of 27 dicks in the parking lot. Also, this final count does not refer to individual dicks, just total dicks. I would estimate that there are only about 70 individual dicks in American Vandal, but those 70 dicks get a lot of screen time. This count also refers to the dicks you see in each episode’s opening credits. The same sort of constraints applied to the word “dick.” The word was counted every time it was used no matter the context, but similar words like “penis,” “weiner,” or awkward innuendos were not part of the dick tally.

So here’s the answer to the question you didn’t know you had about American Vandal — how many dicks are there in this Netflix series?

By far the most dicks are seen in Episode 1, “Hard Facts: Vandalism and Vulgarity,” and Episode 6, “Gag Order.” This makes sense. The first episode of American Vandal starts with several scenes showcasing the graffitied dicks. Additionally, it’s in this episode that Peter introduces his ball hair theory and shows Dylan’s dick-drawing style. Episode 6 is so penis heavy because it deals with the spray paint splatter. Every time the camera shows the crime scene photos on Peter’s floor, your screen is filled with anywhere from 10 to over 30 dicks. Likewise, the episodes in which Peter and Sam (Griffin Gluck) question the school administration are relatively free of the word “dick.” Instead, the drawings are referred to as “the graffiti,” “the vandalism,” or “the incident” in these episodes, likely because it’s uncomfortable to say the word “dick” to your teachers.

American Vandal‘s usage of “ball hairs,” “penis,” and “Dylan” is also interesting, largely because the phrases “ball hairs” and “penis” are used far less often than you probably think:

Despite the fact that ball hairs were a big part of the case for Dylan’s (Jimmy Tatro) innocence, the phrase was only used 11 times. Likewise, “penis” saw minimal usage and was only said five times. The same can’t be said for our possibly innocent subject’s name. Whether it was said exasperatedly or with sympathy, “Dylan” was used 285 times throughout the show’s eight episodes.

Whether or not Dylan is guilty is a discussion for another day. However, I think we can all agree that the real winner of this faux docuseries is Netflix. Not only did the streaming service create a genuinely compelling mystery series, but it also got away with making a show centered around almost 1,000 dick drawings. I can’t think of any other TV outlet that has the balls to do that.

Stream American Vandal on Netflix