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Watching the Oscars is a long, arduous task. I mean, there are worse tasks, for sure, but if you’re committing to a three-plus-hour event in which members of the Hollywood elite reward each other (and, on occasion, a few nice European people), you know you’re in for a long night. Sure, host Neil Patrick Harris may lighten the mood, but considering the already politicized nature of this year’s events, there’s no telling what may happen. But you never know — it must just be your typical, boring, black-tie affair, with a couple of unnecessary musical moments thrown in for good measure. Take it from us: you may need a cocktail. Or five.

Here are just a few suggestions of when to drink so that your Oscars experience isn’t so straight-laced.

Take a Drink:

Any time Neil Patrick Harris sings.

Any time an acceptance speech is cut short by the orchestra.

Any time a foreign winner does something totally adorable.

Any time the ceremony’s length is compared to Boyhood‘s running time.

Take Two Drinks:

If a celebrity you don’t recognize presents an award.

If a celebrity you thought was dead presents an award.

If John Travolta mentions “Adele Dazeem.”

If they let Anna Kendrick speak instead of singing.

Chug:

In the event that you actually understand what the hell Matthew McConaughey is talking about.

After any mention of Bill Cosby.

During the inevitable Sound of Music musical retrospective.

As you imagine how annoying all of your Facebook friends are going to be on Monday morning.

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Photos: Everett Collection