My First Time … Watching ‘Interview With The Vampire’

Vampires weren’t really my thing growing up, and I steer clear of Tom Cruise movies whenever possible. Yet, in this age of relentless nostalgia, this came up in an editorial roundtable, and here I am watching Interview With the Vampire for the very first time 20 years after its release.

Neil Jordan directs Anne Rice’s best-seller of the same name about a 200-year-old vampire, Louis de Pointe du Lac (Brad Pitt), who sits down for an exclusive interview with a young, curious reporter (Christian Slater). The film chronicles Louis’ immortality after being turned by the menacing Lestat de Lioncourt (Tom Cruise). Without further ado, here are my thoughts on Interview With the Vampire. 

2:50: Wow, this truly is a throwback. Haven’t heard that name in a minute. Now I really want to pause this and put on Spy Kids.

4:40: What a role to be sandwiched in between The Favor and Legends of the Fall. Oh, Young Brad Pitt, you could do no wrong.

8:45: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK ILL OF L. RON HUBBARD!

19:23: Would you like some rat blood to go with your entree? Just your average night at the Cruise residence.

21:19: Before they kill her, they should at least do her the courtesy of telling her she has something on her lip.

23:00: In a moment of weakness, Louis kills the old lady’s dogs instead of her because he can’t bear the guilt of drinking human blood. Lestat is not pleased.

28:00: After accidentally killing his beloved slave, Yvette, Louis is super bummed and decides to set his house and himself on fire in a valiant suicidal effort that fails miserably.

44:00: Wow, Brad really should have listened to Lestat here. If you want to keep your deteriorating marriage alive by having a child, just turn a young Kirsten Dunst into your little vampire baby, whom you can never abandon. Maybe him and Jen Aniston would still be a thing.

53:00: Some Melancholia foreshadowing.

1:02:00: Okay, so Claudia has become a little badass (even though her shrilling voice is quickly wearing thin) and decides to save herself and Louis from Lestat’s evil wrath. This epic scene is followed by some of Brad Pitt’s worst acting. He basically shrugs and might has well have said, “Meh, he’s dead. Big whoop. He only ruined my life for the past 80 years.”

1:13:30: A little later on, Louis heads to Paris where he meets some real eccentric vamps.

1:15:00: FINALLY! Check out that sweet Jeeves tux. And that hair. Oh, that hair.

1:45:00: So the dancing vampire, Santiago (played by Stephen Rea), kills Claudia and her wannabe vamp mommy by enclosing them on a well with a caged opening. Needless to say, they fry faster than an egg on a Vegas street, and Louis retaliates. I think it’s safe to say, he gets even.

1:50:00: Nope, no gay subtext here. (Apparently Cher was originally cast as Louis because Anne Rice was afraid the movie wouldn’t get made with two male leads.)

1:55:00: So after he wraps the interview, Christian Slater is all like, “I want to be a vampire,” and Brad Pitt is pissed that he spent the last two hours of his never-ending life explaining his misery to this dope, who wins the MVP line of the movie with, “Somebody change my shorts. This is good stuff.”

Final Thoughts: Bad wigs, bad contacts, and god awful French accents, what’s not to love about this movie? Plus, Antonio Banderas is in it talking like Tommy Wiseau and it’s everything I could ever want on a Tuesday morning. The only part that really got my goat was at the very end, when that Guns n’ Roses cover of “Sympathy for the Devil” played while the credits rolled. Psh, either you get the Stones to sign on or you don’t, Neil Jordan.

 

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Photos: Geffen Pictures/Amazon Instant Video