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Do you get frantic late-night phone calls from your mother about your checking account balance? Does your mom ask you questions about your health insurance plan? Is your mom writing on your Facebook wall, wondering if your recent profile picture indicates you have a drinking problem? Our moms always mean well, but sometimes they just need to chill out, right? Enter The Mom Whisperer: your helpful friend who will help you distract your mom through these troubling times with the best movies and TV shows proven to lull moms into a relaxed stupor. (White wine optional.)

Dear Mom Whisperer,

My 69-year-old mother wants to know why the Netflix “line up” at my sister’s house in Pittsburgh is different from her “line up” at home. Also, she’s worried that ISIS might try to behead us on our Royal Caribbean cruise next spring.

—Perturbed in Pittsburgh

Dear Perturbed,

Moms don’t always understand Netflix. Luckily the only thing I ever had to explain to my mom was how to search for “Paul Newman.” (Moms melt for those blue eyes.) Once she figured that out, she was searching for all kinds of people. As for your mom, you’re first going to have to explain the concept of a “queue” to your mother, and unless she’s British, it might take a few minutes for this to sink in. Maybe try something simpler, like, “Mom, this is the list of movies you choose, not the ones Netflix chooses for you.” And then you can explain that your sister’s “line-up” is her list, and it is in no way related to her geographic location.

As for the your cruise next year, I’d like to commend you for agreeing to something that sounds like my personal nightmare (being trapped on a boat with my family in the middle of the open sea). After you patiently explain that ISIS probably doesn’t have the capabilities to get its members to the Pacific Ocean to hijack a cruise ship, I’d recommend her watching Speed 2: Cruise Control in order to keep things in perspective — can it get any worse than that? Or, if you think that might be too upsetting, try Out to Sea, which is basically just Grumpy Old Men Go on a Boat. (Bonus: Elaine Stritch is in it!) [GoWatchIt: Speed 2: Cruise Control, Out to Sea]

Dear Mom Whisperer,

My mom is an elementary school teacher, and she’s spent the last 27 years teaching first grade. She loves her job, but she often comes home and complains not just about being exhausted — but also about all the aggression she has building up inside of her. Obviously those kids are so young that she can’t really express her anger in front of them, so she comes home and flips out on the rest of us. Is there anything she can watch that’s both aggressive and mindless?

—Scared Of Teach

Dear Scared,

My first thought was, obviously, Fight Club. You know how much moms love Brad Pitt! But moms also don’t like violence, and the whole commentary on the failures of capitalism and their effect on the male psyche (poor men, right?) is probably a little too heavy after you’ve spent the day teaching colors and addition to children. (Do you teach colors and addition to first graders? I have no idea. It’s been a while!) So my second thought? One of the Real Housewives franchise. My personal favorite is The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. It has everything: sibling rivalry, extensive botox, vaping psychics, and, on at least one occasion, Kelsey Grammer. It’s basically WWE for white women and gay guys. [Watch it on Hulu Plus]

Dear Mom Whisperer,

My mom is finding it really hard to handle these rumors about John Travolta. You know what I’m talking about. She has sent me so many emails about how sexy “Vinnie” Barbarino was — and her love for his perfect hair. At this point, she seems so depressed that I don’t even know how to help her find the joy she once had about John Travolta’s existence. What can I possibly do?

—Help Old Mom Out

Dear HOMO,

I totally get it, as I once had to explain to my mother that Colin Firth is not actually gay — he’s just British. Sometimes moms take these things very hard! (And sometimes their gaydar is broken). As for your mom, have her re-watch ~~Saturday Night Fever~~ ~~Grease~~ ~~Urban Cowboy~~ Hairspray. Just make her watch Hairspray and tell her to deal with it. Sometimes tough love and bad drag is the only thing that will work. [GoWatchIt]

Have a question for The Mom Whisperer? Send a query to themomwhisperer@decider.com and he’ll help you out!

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Photos: Everett Collection