The NHL Playoffs Attention Meter

It’s that time again. When the loudest and most obnoxious guy in the bar tells you it’s the best time in sports, the NHL Playoffs. There will be a few tweets coming across your timeline that say something that has some combination of puking and snorting coke together, and they’re likely about watching playoff hockey. At least you’d better hope they are. Hockey fans want you to know the playoffs are the best theater because they make you the most miserable (there is a connection, to be fair).

Whether the NHL Playoffs are still sports’ most gripping theater is a question we don’t need to answer. It is for some, isn’t for others, miniature American flags for others. With the opening up of the game, the increase in scoring, and action, and some pretty intense storylines (oh hi there, Toronto), they will have entertainment value for anyone who might check in.

But, you might be thinking, it’s a crowded sports calendar in April and May. You’ve got the NBA Playoffs going as well, the MLB season running right alongside. You don’t have time to watch all the NHL playoffs. And you don’t have to! We’re here to tell you what should be given priority and what you can leave on the back burner and what you can ignore entirely. Life is about the economy of motion at times, and that includes what buttons you push on the remote, or how often. So let’s kick this pig!

We’ll go by sequential order and rate every series on the atmosphere in the stands and the action on the ice.

To follow Sam’s exhaustion trying to keep up with all the playoffs, follow him on Twitter @Felsgate.

Atmosphere: Raucous

On-ice intrigue: Slog-ish

Existential storylines: Medium-low

Attention-meter: Monitor loosely until later in the series

It will be loud, as Raleigh and Elmont are two of the best playoff atmospheres you can find. Hurricanes fans always bring it, and Isles fans seem to get the frustration out of, well, living on Long Island by drinking and having ugly sex in the parking lot for 40 hours before heading in for the opening faceoff.

As for on the ice…less compelling. For all the speed they have, the Canes’ “spray and pray” offense can get a little repetitive and leaves them open to making things a lot harder than their roster and regular season finishes suggest they should be. The Islanders have one watchable skater in Mat Barzal, who is likely to return for Game 1 tonight, a really good goalie, and then a bunch of plugs. I still can’t tell Brock Nelson or Anders Lee apart. And they’re not going to soup things up for this one either.

That doesn’t mean this one isn’t ripe for an upset, because it is. The Islanders are going to turn the ice into a pot-hole-filled traffic jam, and with Andrei Svechnikov out for the season, the Canes lack enough prime scoring forwards to get through that consistently to make quick work of Ilya Sorokin, and the Isles. They also didn’t win a road game last year in the playoffs, and getting a win in UBS Arena requires more testicular fortitude than the Canes have shown. This will be a lot of 2-1s and 3-2s and probably gets to six, or seven games when the Canes will get awfully itchy.

Atmosphere: Fair to middling

On-ice intrigue: Minimal

Existential storylines: Minimal

Attention Meter: Skip

If there’s any drama here, it’s hockey’s glee in taking anyone putting up a historical regular season and watching them render it meaningless in the eyes of most fans by seeing it fail to negotiate the gauntlet of its playoffs. Ask the Lightning of four years ago. Of the top-10 regular seasons, in terms of wins, in NHL history, only the mid-70s Canadiens, and the 1984 Oilers actually won the Cup, and only the Oilers negotiated four rounds to do it. So the drama doesn’t have much to do with the Bruins’ specific opponent.

That doesn’t change the fact that the Panthers barely snuck into the playoffs, are coached by an utter moron, are turning to a 30-year-old journeyman who just happened to get hot in goal, and have one line. The Bs may be dealing with flu running around their dressing room like it’s rush week, but that won’t be enough. This should be a ritual killing, and if it isn’t it’ll just be due to the virus. Any watchability will come from Matthew Tkachuk and Brad Marchand putting on Da Noid costumes and trying to give each other wet willies and credit cards by Game 4.

Atmosphere: Whatever

On-ice intrigue: Minimal

Existential Storylines: Only if you’re fucking old

Attention Meter: Skip

There may be some out there, they look like the cop, and the guy from Fargo out by da lake dere scene, who think this will be some referendum on the North Stars moving from Minnesota to Dallas 30 years ago. Which lets you know just how irrelevant the Wild have been since coming into the league, and basically the same for the Stars since they won the Cup in 1999.

Wild fans will be up in arms that their atmosphere isn’t considered top-notch (have you seen all the high school jerseys in the concourse?!), but ever since they eschewed using Prince as their goal song no one should ever care what happens inside Xcel Energy Center. Certainly, the Wild haven’t done anything on the ice surface to make anyone notice.

The Stars, despite nearly winning the division over the Avalanche, aren’t really much more interesting outside of Jason Robertson and Miro Heiskanen. Both of these teams should get utterly defenestrated by the Avalanche in the next round, though the Avs have been so hodge-podge this season thanks to injury that’s probably not an automatic. Only if you really like watching nameless punters hurling themselves at each other in six or seven games you won’t remember as soon as the final horn blows. Only tune in for a Game 7, and maybe only the third period of that.

Atmosphere: Medium

On-ice intrigue: Low to medium (McDavid factor)

Existential storylines: Minimal

Attention Meter: McDavid only

When the NHL rejiggered the playoff format to a divisional one, the hope was repeated matchups between rivals that would at least hint at the anarchy and cage match feel that the playoffs had in the 80s, when the same three teams would rotate playing each other for a decade, and games looked more like Smash TV than hockey.

What the NHL didn’t count on was getting matchups that don’t really raise the pulse much over and over, because the divisions are bigger now, and not nearly as regionalized. So for the second straight year, we get the Oilers, and Kings, and for the second straight year, it’s hard to care too much.

The Kings turned into one of the better defensive teams in the league over the second half of the season, and they’re going to have to be to keep the Oilers’ offense in touching distance. And they cannot take a penalty, ever. The Oilers must sniff this being their best chance to get McDavid to a Final, so the crowd in Edmonton should be frothing. Other than the constant blaring of Cartman and a goal horn that pierces time, Staples Center can go pound. If you’re a late-night ghoul it’s worth tuning into a few games for McDavid and the Oilers’ power play, and the Kings will make this harder than it should be, but not that hard.

Atmosphere: Riotous

On-ice intrigue: High

Existential storlines: High

Attention meter: Must-see

If you can get past the “NEW YORK NUMBAH 1 BABY” aspect of it, this is probably the jewel of the first round. It has a “styles make fights” feel to it, because the Devils play as fast as possible and have scoring everywhere, and the Rangers can’t match it and will have to try and find a way to slow them down. While the Devils have Jack Hughes and traded for Timo Meier, there’s still kind of a proletariat feel to them while the Rangers are the glitzy Broadway outfit after trading for Vladimir Tarasenko and Patrick Kane to go with Mika Zabinejad, Artemi Panarin, and Chris Kreider. Jacob Trouba is going to do something stupid to try and scare the young and small-ish Devils and send the tri-state area into a frenzy, and also cover up the fact that the Rangers blue-line is not built to deal with the Devils’ furious attack over a full series. The Rangers have a huge advantage in goal, and Igor Shesterkin can win this series on his own, and will have to steal a game, or two for the Rangers to win.

While the remodel may not make it what it once was, the Garden still rocks for playoff hockey, and nothing gets The Rock (unintentional I swear) bouncing like the Devils trying to get one over the Rangers, other than a Springsteen show. The best thing about the New York hockey rivalries is that they take place in offices all over Manhattan during the day and everyone has to head to whatever arena together after work. The bile builds up over several work days and into the stands. This series will look and sound like playoff hockey should. It’s the NHL’s version of what’s going on in Sacramento these days.

Atmosphere: Jamestown-like?

On-ice intrigue: Maximum

Existential storylines: Frothing

Attention meter: Must-see

Ever hear the sound of 18,000 people spending three hours squeezing razor blades between their ass-cheeks? You’re about to. The Leafs have the most riding on any first-round series, because if they once again end up with their dicks in the dirt the entire trajectory of the franchise heads south with violent aggression. There will be major changes, Auston Matthews’s impending free agency will be the biggest story in hockey next season, and the entire city may become the new setting for any future Batman video game.

The Lightning are wheezing after three straight trips to the Final, even if two of them were bastardized versions, but there is no team with more know-how in the playoffs. Much like the Rangers and Devils, the Lightning can’t go up and down with the Leafs, but they can gum things up, and play on all the nastiness that the Leafs will be surrounded by. And they still have Andrei Vasilevskiy as the ultimate hammer. Both the Leafs and their fans will be shitting chickens from puck drop at Game 1 and the Lightning will delight in playing on that. As soon as the first thing goes against the Leafs — a bad call, a bad goal, a first loss — this will become kabuki theater. The Leafs should win, but the Leafs should have done a lot of things by now. If you like schadenfreude, this is for you.

Atmosphere: High

On-ice intrigue: Low to medium

Existential storylines: Minimal

Attention meter: Monitor loosely until late in the series

Vegas has the pregame ceremony and a carnival atmosphere, and Winnipeg waits all year to dress in white and scream during the playoffs, so this will sound proper. As for the actual hockey…. ehhhhhhh.

Whatever intrigue there is revolves around Jack Eichel playing in his first playoffs and trying to prove that he actually is worth the hype he received while being drafted, while underwhelming in Buffalo, while bitching his way out of Buffalo, and then his trade to Vegas. Add to that Connor Hellebuyck trying to steal this one from the net for Winnipeg. Those really inside the weeds will tell you this is the last ride for this version of the Jets, except this version of the Jets never won shit so no one outside of airport-less Winnipeg gives a flying fuck. This is one of those playoff series that will go longer than you might think but at the end of it everyone will ask, “Why?”

Atmosphere: Decent to good

On-ice intrigue: Minimal

Existential storylines: Minimal

Attention meter: watch the first game in Seattle and not much else

If Seattle can’t get playoff basketball yet, and that’s what it still really wants, this will have to do. Climate Pledge Arena should be bonkers for Game 3, and seeing as how the Avs have a Cup in hand, and know what really matters they may just let the Kraken have it. But other than that, this should be quick work. Seattle does not have the guns to a firefight with the Avs, their goalies all suck, and it’s still not entirely clear how the Kraken got here in the first place. The Avs may be missing Gabriel SapsuckerFrog, but still have the most explosive line this side of the Oilers with Nathan MacKinnon, and Mikko Rantanen, and Cal Makar is still the most uncounterable weapon in hockey.

The Kraken will get one night to remember. Not much else.