First-round NBA Draft grades on a pass/fail system

If you’re like most underachievers and procrastinators, the letter grade doesn’t matter as long as you pass. I’ve lived most of my life by the mantra that “C’s are for degrees” and look where it’s gotten me: Writing about sports for living, and passing judgment upon others without retaliation.

So, as opposed to the goody-goodies whose GPAs earned them a job at a place where the production quality disguises the slideshows, I’m giving my NBA Draft reaction to you raw and uncut, like an underground rapper, or a newcomer to OnlyFans.

There’s no nuance. Just pass, fail, or incomplete. Did Team A succeed, screw up, or defer? It’s for me to decide, and under no circumstance will I compromise my integrity by letting a lifetime of average marks dictate how much power goes to my head during this exercise.

The pick: Victor Wembanyama, France

There’s not really much more to say about Wembanyama. He’s a perfect prospect, going to the organization he grew up rooting for, and will have a head coach in Gregg Popovich who’s both a disciplinarian and a player’s coach. The bar for this exercise is pass, fail, or incomplete, but it’s an A+ by any measure.

The picks: Brandon Miller, Alabama (2), and Nick Smith Jr., Arkansas (27)

Miller is the prototypical wing prospect in this, or really any, era of basketball. The issue is he’s not Scoot Henderson, aka someone who can’t wait to measure himself against the Greats. The vibes in Charlotte are murky, and taking Miller follows a traditional format of team-building: Point guard, wings, and bigs.

While Miller is probably the safest way forward, LaMelo Ball is begging to be used eclectically. I don’t even know if coach Steve Clifford knows what eclectic means. That said, maybe they do envision shared ball-handling responsibilities in the backcourt, because they took Smith Jr. at 27.

The Arkansas guard was injured the majority of his lone season in Fayetteville, and I have a difficult time understanding why you’d take a guy who’s largely unknown and barely played when you still have yet to establish an identity or a culture. Obviously, being without Miles Bridges all season and Ball for large chunks due to injury hampered last year’s campaign, yet they were abysmal, and even worse, a forgettable shade of beige.

The picks: Scoot Henderson, G League Ignite (3), and Kris Murray, Iowa (23)

There’s no scenario where the Blazers carry a roster into training camp featuring Damian Lillard, Scoot Henderson, Anfernee Simons, and Shaedon Sharpe. The Blazers have arguably the most athletic backcourt tandem in the NBA (Scoot and Sharpe), and definitely the most athletic backup backcourt in the league. That’s untenable and will have to change this offseason.

Yes, I would absolutely run out a lineup with Dame, Scoot, Simons, Sharpe, and a fifth in NBA2K, but those are five-minute quarters, and defense matters in real life. Where the Blazers go from here, I have no idea. A Lillard trade feels inevitable, and as a Blazers fan, I’m just incredibly sad about the entire situation.

Oh, and Murray projects as a wing rotation player, likely coming off the bench in a 3-and-D role. Even then, his role on the Blazers falls into the TBD category.

The picks: Amen Thompson, Overtime Elite (4), and Cam Whitmore, Villanova (20)

The Rockets added NBA-level athleticism with both picks, and might’ve found someone who actually wants to pass the ball in Thompson. Amen is the better playmaker of the Thompson twins, which is exactly what’s needed on a squad that’s operated like a poorly coached AAU team.

Ideally, Whitmore’s dramatic fall out of the lottery motivates him to do some self-reflection on why that may have been, but if not, I’m sure Ime Udoka will be happy to spell it out for him. The former Boston Celtics coach can most easily be described as tireless, and he’ll need every ounce of energy to get this collection of talent to be more than just that.

The picks: Ausar Thompson, Overtime Elite (5), and Marcus Sasser, Houston (25)

If you look closely enough at Detroit, you can sort of discern what they’re trying to do: Mold a tall, lengthy, athletic, and versatile team around Cade Cunningham. With Ausar and Jaden Ivey now flanking Cunningham, the Pistons have three guys who are interchangeable in a lot of defensive situations, and can all do stuff with the ball when called upon. Managing who to call on and when will be Cade’s most difficult task.

The Sasser move was inspired, as well. He’s a tenacious defender who can shoot and might steal crunch time minutes from Ivey if the second-year guard out of Purdue doesn’t learn how to play under control.

The picks: Anthony Black, Arkansas (6) and Jett Howard, Michigan (11)

The Magic has a type that they just can’t quit, and couldn’t control themselves yet again. Anthony Black is a tall, versatile, amorphous big guard who can’t shoot on a team full of them. If I knew Orlando’s plan on how they’re going to use Black differently from previous prospects of that ilk who didn’t develop but rather just slowly wasted away into trade bait, maybe I’d be a little more open to this choice.

Then to come back and take Juwan Howard’s kid who wore sunglasses inside? Sure, Jett can shoot, but there were a lot of guys available at 11 who can shoot and then some. I’m sorry. It’s just really baffling.

The Magic is in the type of situation where they could’ve gone best available at 6, and been forgiven for taking Black if they would’ve just taken someone like Gradey Dick at 11. The team’s main need was shooting, with a caveat that they’re still young enough to absorb a project that could push them into “Holy shit, Orlando has three Blue Chip guys” territory.

That didn’t happen, and instead they reached at 11.

The pick: Bilal Coulibaly, France (7)

I have no problem with what the Wizards are doing. They’re flushing next year and probably the two after that down the toilet in order to build via the draft. So taking Coulibaly — a French wing who made his teammate Wembanyama look like a tall but not freakishly tall human being on their pro team this past season — at 7 was smart.

He’s a project who won’t show returns probably until the time the team is supposed to be good again. Be that as it may, the Wizards are still the Wizards despite Michael Winger running the show, and they didn’t really amass the draft capital I thought they would get back from this recent fire sale.

The picks: Jarace Walker, Houston (8) and Ben Sheppard, Belmont (26)

These were two very Indiana basketball picks. Jarace Walker adds toughness and athleticism next to Myles Turner, and Ben Sheppard looks like he’s 35, sells insurance, and fills it up from deep in local gym runs. I trust the Pacers because they generally draft well while still trying to be competitive.

The organization values winning, and has a hard time tanking due to the state’s respect for the game. Will Walker or Sheppard turn into All-Stars? Probably not, but they’re serviceable and could even be rotation players on a play-in-ish team next year if they jump through the hoops Rick Carlisle requires.

The picks: Taylor Hendricks, UCF (9); Keyonte George, Baylor (16); and Brice Sensabaugh, Ohio State (28)

All three of Utah’s picks spent one year in college, which is pretty standard, but not enough time to really get a true feel for their games. Only one of their schools made the NCAA Tournament, but Baylor didn’t even get past the first weekend.

Danny Ainge’s draft record in the late lottery is really suspect, and is littered with one-and-done players who capitalized more on a highly touted high school career than what they did in college. The reason why it’s not a fail is because Utah only has to hit on one of these guys, and the Jazz hit on a lot of things last year.

The pick: Cason Wallace, Kentucky

Sam Presti is the kid who’s done the extra credit assignment so many times that the teacher just skims his tests and quizzes. Wallace possesses the requisite ball skills to entice the OKC GM, and I fully expect him to excel in whatever role he’s asked to fill.

Wallace might not end up being Presti’s magnum opus, but not every selection can turn out to be Jalen Williams.

The picks: Dereck Lively II, Duke (12) and Olivier-Maxence Prosper, Marquette (24)

The Mavericks gained much-needed cap space by jettisoning Davis Bertans to move back two spots Thursday, which would be nice if that money wasn’t reserved for Kyrie Irving. Aside from that, Dallas needed to recoup some role players lost in the deal for Irving, and that will fall onto Lively and Prosper.

On the interior, Lively provides shot blocking and finishing, and maybe an outside jumper in the future if Luka Dončić or Irving let him get up enough shots to develop it. Prosper drew a Dorian Finney-Smith comp during the draft and not just because both players have three names.

The Mavs are in a position where they have to hit on both of these guys soon because the team needs to compete just as fast. That’s asking a lot of Lively, who took time acclimating to the college game. Prosper spent three years in college, but I can’t figure out if that helps or hurts my argument, so let’s move on.

The pick: Gradey Dick, Kansas

While Gradey Dick’s Wizard of Oz-inspired suit was the fail of the red carpet (if you’re going to go sequins, at least omit the shoulder pads), the Raptors scored huge with this pickup. Dick was perhaps the best pure shooter in the draft, and showed that he can do more in his one year at Kansas. Mix that with Masai Ujiri’s draft record, and We the North should feel great.

Toronto needed a shooting outlet that’s more consistent than Gary Trent Jr., and also has to figure out if they want to pay the team’s other best shooter, Fred VanVleet, who opted out to become a free agent. Dick, a perfect fit for Orlando to take at 11, fell to T-Dot and at least solves one of those problems.

The pick: Jordan Hawkins, UConn

I love, love, love Hawkins’ game. He’s a picturesque shooter who can chuck off the dribble and off the ball like so many UConn guards before him. My issue is that’s already CJ McCollum’s job, and I’m not sure who is handling — or guarding — the ball in those lineups. Hawkins is 6-foot-5, but not exactly a defensive stopper or facilitator.

Perhaps it’s point Zion Williamson to the rescue… or maybe let him get healthy and back on the floor before you burden the young man with too much. I like the pick, but I’m unsure of Hawkins’ fit.

The pick: Kobe Bufkin, Michigan

The Atlanta Hawks do not need more guards, but took one anyway, and were rewarded with Bufkin going viral for rubbing his mom’s leg during the post-pick interview. It’s a really tough look for the Michigan product, and I genuinely feel bad for him because it’s also going to be tough to get a look next to Trae Young and Dejounte Murray in Atlanta.

Is Bogdan Bogdanović still on the Hawks? He is, and his $68 million contract just kicked in? Oof. Good luck, Kobe.

The pick: Jalen Hood-Schifino, Indiana

The Lakers are always in title-contending mode, and Hood-Schifino could help them decide whether to bring back D’Angelo Russell, who I’m guessing thinks he’s worth a lot more than what he should get. If the Lakers move on from Russell — and they likely will unless he agrees to be paid like the erratic player he is — Hood-Schifino shouldn’t be any less inconsistent.

Austin Reaves also is a free agent, and I can’t imagine Rob Pelinka is super eager to dig himself back into salary cap hell.

The pick: Jaime Jaquez Jr., UCLA

I understand that Jaquez screams Heat culture. He was a grinder at UCLA, has the most experience of anyone in the first round, and has a pro-ready game. The reason why this is a fail, at least to me, is Jaquez’s upside isn’t befitting of an asset the Heat could dangle in a trade for Lillard.

Members of Heat Culture only have value in South Beach because of Pat Riley’s authoritarian rule. Once you take them out of Miami, Tyler Johnson and Hassan Whiteside turn back into pumpkins. While I’m sure Jaime will haunt some Eastern Conference opponent next playoffs, he’s also going to haunt any team foolish enough to think they can get out of him what the Heat can.

The pick: Brandin Podziemski, Santa Clara

Mike Dunleavy Jr.’s first draft calling the shots was fine. I wrote Thursday that contenders are going to put a lot more value on late first- and second-round picks because cheap labor is the only way to keep the core members of the band together. By that metric alone, Dunleavy gets a passing grade.

Podziemski is a 6-foot-5 shooter that can theoretically play immediately next to Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, and (maybe) Draymond Green. The issue is will B-Pod(?) be able to pick up the offense to the approval of coach Steve Kerr. While we’re not completely certain if guys aren’t savvy enough for Kerr’s system, or if the system’s rigidity doesn’t lend itself to development, it’s been hard to find young talent capable of consistently earning minutes in the Bay Area.

The picks: Noah Clowney, Alabama (21), and Dariq Whitehead, Duke (22)

I would give Brooklyn an incomplete or a fail had these two picks come sooner in the draft. As it stands, Sean Marks filled a need for his team with added interior depth in Clowney, and also went for a guard with a high upside in Whitehead.

This was a now-and-later combo that’s respectable for where Brooklyn drafted, and, unlike Miami, Whitehead’s potential makes him the exact kind of asset that rebuilding franchises are looking to take a flier on.

The pick: Julian Strawther, Gonzaga

The defending champs snuck back into the first round via trade a few days ago, and the move appears to be a success. Strawther shot the ball well during his time at Gonzaga, and provides the team with an option should Bruce Brown leave in free agency.

GM Calvin Booth found a rookie last year that Michael Malone actually gave minutes to, and Christian Braun rewarded his coach’s faith during the playoffs. While the team wants Brown back, and Brown wants to return, the financial gap between the two sides will be large. The Nuggets at least have a plan B after Thursday, and that’s all they really needed.

The pick: Kobe Brown, Missouri

Until further reason to do otherwise, I’m going to fade every move the Clippers make. Nothing against Kobe Brown — a sizable wing who improved his shooting during his four years in Columbia — but unless he’s going to inject nanobots into Kawhi Leonard and Paul George, making them invulnerable to load management, Steve Ballmer’s vanity project was always going to get a failing grade.

I hope for Kobe’s sake that the culture of losing currently overwhelming this organization doesn’t rub off on him.