Dear Santa: All I want for Christmas is my sports suggestions taken seriously

By and large, sports are pretty awesome. I have learned to keep my childhood favorite teams at a healthy distance and I advise all Chicago sports fans to do the same. I spend most of the year in awe of the artistic displays of the most brilliant athletes in the world.

I am even beginning to pay more attention to leagues that I did not grow up watching. The CBS Sports soccer in-studio crew is excellent. Clips from the show have been in my YouTube algorithm all year and one of them reminded me to watch the UCL Final. I had a blast watching Man City win it for the first time — as well as the commentary on social media about Meg The Stallion’s rumored boyfriend, Romelu Lukaku.

Over the summer I also took in some regular-season WNBA games. The Las Vegas Aces are a blast to watch. A’Ja Wilson is not their primary ball handler, but she absolutely controls the pace of the game. She is a truly dominant, all-time great basketball player.

It has been a great sports year. There was even a real college football national championship controversy. It has been so long since I had experienced one of those. Scorned college football fans are truly a delight.

All of that being said, sports involve human beings, so they are far from perfect. Saudi Arabian blood money is flowing into sports now more than ever, and it is still like pulling teeth to get Black people hired as head football coaches and offensive coordinators at the collegiate and NFL levels.

Money is ugly at the highest levels, so I am not holding my breath for sports to become a leader in the fight for justice for all. But seeing that it is Christmas time, I do have a few requests.

If old sports St. Nick is flipping through the sports sites, maybe he can grant a few of my wishes for the holiday season. I have been a pretty good boy this year. I haven’t gotten into any fights with internet trolls and bots or IRL. Also, my requests will make sports better for everyone.

The shuttle is alright, but I have to take the train past the ballpark to get to it. The Los Angeles Dodgers are one of the most popular teams in sports and play in the second-largest metropolitan area in America. Chavez Ravine is only a few miles outside of downtown LA.

There is no reason for traffic to come to a screeching halt as that parking lot that is fit for an amusement park has cars pouring in off of the 101 and the 5, and spilling back out onto the freeways after games conclude 81 times a year, plus a postseason — which will hopefully be more than two extra games now that Shohei Ohtani plays in LA County. The top columnist in the market took time out of his busy life to write a piece about how miserable it is to get in and out of the ballpark. Dodgers, Los Angeles, take a hint.

I understand that the league has always tried to appeal to a younger audience. I spent many Saturday mornings with Ahmad Rashad and Willow Bay. That was part of the NBA strategy that turned kids like me into League Pass subscribers 20 years later.

VHS cassettes and Shaq Sega Genesis games are not going to do the job by themselves. Also, with all of the digital currency necessary to play NBA 2K these days, the video game experience seems cold.

But commish, league office, can we do away with the consistent color rush during games? It’s bad enough with all of the jerseys. Combine those with the courts for the City Edition nights and the IST, my eyes cannot take it. The rhythm of basketball is what makes the sport cool. The game has a flow. All of that color on the floor and on the players’ backs makes a basketball game look like a game of Candy Crush. Pass the aspirin . . .

You all got the start of the NBA Finals pushed back a half an hour. If I could give all of you a kazoo and a balloon, and you all would then shut up about how late games end, it would be worth the investment.

All of the whining about Sunday Night Football ending at 11:15 p.m. and west coast NBA playoff games taking all night, boo freaking hoo. When you were 9 you wanted to stay up all night and now that you can, you complain about not getting enough sleep. If your eyelids get heavy, either DVR the rest of the game or turn the scores off on your NFL or NBA app if you want to catch it later. Phones do allow you to pause notifications, as well. Also, don’t all the self-help gurus say that rich people don’t sleep eight hours a day?

Come on, stop being lazy!

I am not asking to be sold a 22-ounce beer for $5. In a place filled with tens of thousands of people, that could lead to a problem. But for the stadiums that don’t do like the Atlanta Falcons, Los Angeles Angels, and others that provide a cheap alternative to $16 beers and $11 nachos, help a struggling Millennial out.

You all have seen the Coinbase commercials. It’s rough out here. Do not let Whoppi Goldberg fool you. Maybe crypto will one day fund my retirement. Until then, sports teams, let me get a dog and a 12-ounce can of light beer for $11.

I know that self-awareness is not a common trait among billionaires. But dude, this ownership thing has not been working out for you. All that you did was buy a team that went on to draft arguably the greatest player in the history of sports. The player-personnel executive behind that pick, moved on from the Chicago Bulls and assembled the Dream Team. Since Michael Jordan retired, the Bulls have put together one run of successful play.

On the south side of town, since baseball first expanded the playoffs in 1995, the Chicago White Sox have been to the postseason five times. The latest rebuild imploded within three years. Now, you’re threatening to move the team to Nashville.

Jerry, you don’t need an entertainment complex around a baseball stadium to get fans to the ballpark. You would be better off spending money on players. A concept that you, 1994 MLB strike ringleader, have willfully ignored for 40-plus years. Taxpayer funds that turn into more revenue for you I guess is a better use of money.

If you sell, I will start a petition to get a Jerry Reinsdorf day in Chicago. Everyone will celebrate by squeezing a nickel until it breaks their skin.