How every MLB team will tank their seasons and break their fans' hearts in 2023

You can all give up the Rogers Hornsby quotes, already. We made it Opening Day, when hope springs eternal for millions of MLB fans across the country, a least for a few days/weeks. We’d all love to believe that our team has as much of a chance of winning the World Series as any other but, realistically, that’s completely untrue. Some of these teams have a slight chance of doing... something. But many of these teams have no chance of doing anything, and it’s better you know that now and begin the aching, laborious process of acceptance, rather than bothering with denial and bargaining and whatever all those other stages are.

With that in mind, here are the ways every MLB team will sabotage their own success and break their fans’ hearts this season.

The team is demoralized by the owner downgrading from charter plane to prop plane, then to bus, being forced to use a motorboat engine for whirlpool, and the bombing of every road between Norfolk and Baltimore to keep Grayson Rodriguez from ever reaching Camden Yards.

Three words: Throwbacks with collars.

Aaron Judge collapses from exhaustion by mid-July after months of being solely responsible for ESPN’s summer content.

Owner Stuart Sternberg destroys the roster and team chemistry by trading away Wander Franco for cash considerations in order a build a more golf cart-accessible stadium near The Villages.

Not to be outdone by Claudio Reyna, Vlad Sr., Craig Biggio, and Dante Bichette spend the entire Spring sending texts to John Schneider demanding to know why their kids aren’t getting more playing time. The entire clubhouse becomes a toxic hellhole. They still finish ahead of Boston.

Everyone will be hurt by June and fans will be screaming for Rick Hahn’s head. It, like Thanos, is inevitable.

Probably something caused by Norfolk Southern. Clean up your mess, you jerks.

Miguel Cabrera forgets about the pitch clock and starts every at-bat of the season with an 0-1 count. You think we’re joking, but this has already happened!

The entire team goes on the IL after being body-shamed on TikTok in a Jackson Mahomes video.

Rocco Baldelli gets voted Hottest Manager in Baseball, stops caring about baseball and starts caring about becoming an influencer. He’s last seen at Nicollet Mall telling salespeople that he can “get them great exposure” in exchange for free shit.

The entire organization switches to soft recycling bags. Season ruined.

Does it even matter how this team finds a way to underperform? You could add Tony Gwynn and Ty Cobb to this lineup and they’d still find a way to come in around .500. This is the way.

Management. Management will tank the season and break fans’ hearts and whine about needing a new stadium the entire time.

So many Mariners fans have to watch via illegal streams that it crashes the entire Pacific Northwest power grid. Bereft of a stadium, the franchise slinks out of town and relocates to Portland.

Jacob deGrom miraculously pitches into June without a single injury, leading fans to relax and stop worrying. Until June 16, when he “tweaks” his epiglottis and is shut down for the next five years.

A Black person successfully makes it to Cobb County, and the Braves fold the franchise, while everyone moves another 10 miles north, burning every railroad track they see.

Alternative theory: MLB finally does the right thing and outlaws “the chop,” fans no longer see any reason to attend games and the entire franchise folds.

As soon as we figure out who is even on this team we’ll get back to you. Also, bring back “Homer” the home run sculpture!

It already happened.

Sorry.

Bryce Harper switches hair product, but it causes his hair to leave his body like in the Simpsons Halloween episode, clamps onto Kyle Schwarber’s scalp, and he maims most of the roster while yelling “Kyle SMASH!” over and over.

Sorry, who?

Ricketts Family builds whatever trendy restaurant Bucktown residents love on the field, and cease actually fielding a baseball team, thus achieving their lifelong dream of making Wrigley Field the world’s whitest outdoor mall.

Look, if this team can make it through the entire season without having to hold open tryouts and keep everyone on their broadcast teams from getting tossed for being a homophobic jackass, it’ll be a moral victory.

Aaron Rodgers drama lags on into the summer, throwing the entire state of Wisconsin into an unprecedented state of ennui that simply paralyzes the economy and social network, and eventually, the whole place just looks like a Radiohead video.

Bob Nutting will… you know what, we’re actually good with just “Bob Nutting.”

Willson Contreras is told to “tone it down” by Adam Wainwright during a meeting on the mound. After the next pitch, Willy throws the ball back so hard Wainwright disintegrates, the entire city of St. Louis collapses into the Mississippi, all of our social ills are miraculously cured, America replaces Denmark as the happiest nation on Earth, and you can finally get a good bagel in the city of Chicago.

Madison Bumgarner sets up boobie traps in the clubhouse to tree-snare every teammate under the age of 30 and tackles Corbin Carroll at home plate while he admires a home run, blowing out Carroll’s knee.

Kris Bryant gives his monkey paw to Ryan McMahon, thus destroying the only other good player the Rockies have in the lineup.

A giant fire breaks out in the clubhouse when Tony Gonsolin tries to grill his famous roadkill beaver nuggets, Dave Roberts waves off the firefighters in order to bring in Clayton Kershaw to put it out.

Fernando Tatis Jr. tests positive for Super Soldier Serum while trying to ride a water jet pack to PetCo Park. Out for another season.

Not even Giants players can afford to live there, all demand trades.