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The condolence note is a long honored tradition. While in Emily Post's day (1873-1960) they were far more common, today it's a less familiar practice but no less important. While we may connect via phone, video or text with a friend or family member who has lost someone, a condolence note can still make a wonderful impact on the person grieving. It also allows you a chance to participate well as a community member, both in supporting the bereaved and as you process the death for yourself. Condolence notes may be written on cards either with messages already on them that you add too, or on blank cards. Personal stationery may also be used. The length matters less than making sure you include the sentiment which is that you are sorry the person you're writing to has experienced a loss.
Sample condolence note:
Dear Keisha,
I am so sorry to hear that your mother passed away. I spent much time with Alice on our church's social committee and I have so many fond memories of the events we threw together and the times we had. She always had the most wonderful things to say about you. And I will always remember her as the shining light in our community that she was. My thoughts are with you and your family at this time and I pray that you are all comforted and given strength during this time.
Yours sincerely,
Ella Roberts
Address it, stamp it and get it in the mail. If you realize you don't have someone's address, it's okay to call them (or someone close to them) to get it, ("Hi Erin, I was hoping to send a condolence note to Keisha, do you have a mailing address for her?") the funeral home or end of life specialist helping to coordinate funeral, wake, homegoing, shiva or other end of life ceremony or gathering should also be able to provide an address or get the note to the bereaved.
By participating in gatherings that recognize someone's life, and by reaching out with our condolences (and if appropriate our offers of help, or that classic casserole) we honor our communities and the wonderful people who have lived in them. Rest assured knowing that expressing your condolences is not you intruding on someone's grief. Instead it's a welcomed and important part of community life.
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