If you've been working remotely long term, you might feel like you've become the house manager. People don't usually choose to take on this role, but it happens over time.
I tackle this subject head-on in my book, The Everything Guide to Remote Work. Here's an excerpt:
You're a Remote Worker, Not the House Manager
(Credit: Adams Media/Simon & Schuster)No One Becomes the House Manager Intentionally
Most people who end up taking on the role of house manager do it slowly over time and without intention. And the other people—the spouses, partners, and housemates—who reinforce the role don't do it intentionally or with any ill will. It just happens, or that's how it seems.
At first, being available to take care of household work seems like the right thing to do. You should be the one to accept deliveries because you can be home and your work is flexible. It only becomes a problem when you're always asked to do it and no one else ever volunteers.
Holding Other People Accountable
Every time I think about the House Manager problem as it relates to remote workers, it reminds me of an interview Brigid Schulte gave while promoting her book Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time.
In Schulte's case, she was a reporter for The Washington Post with a somewhat flexible schedule figuring out how to balance work and parenting. In the interview, she says, "...what happened over time, I just assumed I should do everything. I took the kids to the doctor. I stayed home when they were sick. I flexed my schedule. I went part time. I expected [my husband] Tom to do none of those things. I kind of gave him the out to still be the breadwinner father. But then he'd come home and, you know, I would be so furious that I was the one paying the bills and doing the dishes and weeding the garden. And why was I doing all of this?"
Schulte talks about feeling angry and defensive, but over time, realizing she had played a part in creating and reinforcing these gender roles by not leaving household chores left undone until her husband did them. She goes on to say, "for a long time, I would just say, oh, well, I'm here. I'll just go ahead and do [the housework]. And I had to physically stop myself. …I am working, too. My work is also valuable. …[T]here's some fluidity here, because there are times when he's in a crunch and, of course, I'm going to do it. They're times when I'm in a crunch, he's going to do it. You know, so, you know, you have to be flexible and adaptable, as well, but we tried to figure out how to keep each other accountable."
Women's Work
A key reason for mentioning Brigid Schulte and her experience is because this issue of remote workers turning into house managers disproportionately affects women. It's not that it doesn't affect men, but it's a compounding force on women who already deal with so many societal pressures and norms that nudge them into taking on well more than half of unpaid household work already. And as mentioned, no one does it intentionally and it's not any one person's fault. But you have to be intentional about correcting it.
Don't Just Say No, Say 'It's Your Turn'
My advice on getting out of the house manager role is to start with honest conversations. Talk about how chores interrupt your work, impinge on your time, and make you feel responsible for everything. But there are more steps after that.
You have to start saying no to some of the extra unpaid work and making it clear when another person needs to say yes to it. As Schulte says, there is some fluidity. It doesn't mean you should always say no, but it's important to do it sometimes. And just as importantly, you have to let the other person do it and hold them accountable. You can't swoop in at the last minute and bail them out. Let them do it. And sometimes, when the chore is not a matter of life or death, you might even have to let them fail. For example, if you asked your partner to bring home tortillas so you can make tacos for dinner and they forget, maybe you eat sandwiches instead.
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