Here’s an image that didn’t make the family album: me squirming away from my four-year-old in the sea off Porto Santo as I tried to wee in the water. It was a long way back to the hotel! I’d had wine at lunch! Besides, I think I read somewhere that the fish like it …
And, ahem, isn’t it a standard part of going to the beach in the summer — and a bit of a thrill while you’re at it? But if you’re off to certain parts of Spain this summer, you’ll need to cross your legs.
Adding a drop to the ocean is the focus of the latest blistering antitourist rule from Europe, where Marbella insists it wants to fine bathers £635 for urinating in the sea. How they intend on policing this boggles the mind as well as the bladder — one holidaymaker said, “Who is going to find the culprits, the jellyfish?” — but Marbella isn’t the first Spanish region to unload this type of policy on to tourists in an attempt to clean up its coast. Vigo, in the northern province of Galicia, has similar rules.
Spain has cracked down on other holiday traditions. It also wants to fine visitors who buy fake handbags on the beach — £170 on top of whatever it cost for that fake Fendi — and, bafflingly, the Costa Blanca government has an antiquated rule against large sandcastles (£150).
Fair enough, you might think. Nobody wants to see atrocious sand art when they’re trying to relax, although I can think of far worse infractions I’ve witnessed in Benidorm. Besides, these bizarre rules must be seen in the context of Spain’s move to crack down on tourists’ drunken antisocial behaviour — certain party zones in the Balearics including Magaluf in Mallorca and San Antonio in Ibiza have banned booze sales from shops after 9.30pm — and make the atmosphere more pleasant for everyone.
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There’s more. Croatia now wants to fine visitors £3,385 for antisocial disturbances, which include “drunken behaviour”, “fighting” and “arguing” — which I truly hope for my sake doesn’t mean a good-natured bicker with my husband over which way the Google Maps arrow is actually pointing. (Dubrovnik, last summer, memorably also wanted to stop tourists dragging infernal noisy wheeled suitcases over its cobbled streets and carry them instead.)
Meanwhile, across the Tyrrhenian, Sorrento said a few years ago it wanted to stop tourists walking round in swimming costumes and bare torsos to stop “widespread indecorous behaviour”, as it was upsetting locals, meaning that new bikini comes with a fine of £425. On Lake Garda holidaymakers can be fined up to £500 for … playing football. Sit on the Spanish Steps in Rome for £210; use plastic cutlery in Capri for £430.
Far be it from me to say that my perfect holiday involves a deadly cocktail of wearing just a cossie to buy a yard of beer after sunset and building a big sandcastle before brawling with my friends. But these silly rules just feel absurd. Holidaymakers are, in the main, a respectful and engaged sort, and want to do the right thing. But when nature calls …
Are tourist fines fair? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below
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