Oh no, Brits abroad. Here’s what not to do and say

… ordering as if you were ordering brunch at Soho House. Do you have any kimchi? Could you steam the fish rather than bake it in clay? Just a salad — but don’t you have avocado? Really ? Can you not do the tagine (sounds really heavy) but chicken with the sauce on the side? Alternatively, there is ordering in a “what’s this foreign muck?” manner. For example: have you got anything that isn’t fish? I really don’t like spicy … I really can’t eat … what do you mean brains? OMG you’re not serious? If they’re not gobbing in your food in the kitchen, you’re lucky.

Don’t say: “Tell me about the mafia, per favore”

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… doing the “we are a friend of your peoples thing”. What is this horror? Your hands are in namaste. Your head is slightly bowed. You’ve adopted a breathy, spiritual voice and a disciple of a guru smile and you’re probably saying something like, “You have such a beautiful country.” Or, “So is this the dish of the region you come from, Ajkih? Am I pronouncing that correctly … Ajkeee?” “Oh, I love your amulet — is it culturally significant? Oh, it’s Adidas … ” You might, when your waiter’s watch alarm goes off as he is serving you, inquire if that’s his prayer alarm and how many times a day he prays, but for heaven’s sake keep it specific and brief. “We have great respect for your people” is not the direction anyone wants to be going in — least of all Ajkih.

… saying, “The people here are soooo lovely” a lot. We’ve all done it. I think I may have done it this year. The temptation is enormous and you may forgive yourself at the time because you’re on holiday and feeling pretty magnanimous and everyone does seem to be really nice, but however you cut it you will sound like the dim ex-public school type who says, “I totally love Irish people and everything Irish.” No different.

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… being insensitive to the local customs and mores. There’s all the blindingly obvious stuff, including your young adult daughter not wearing skimpy cut-off shorts to the Basilica of Santa Croce, and then there are things you may think are perfectly OK these days, such as wearing a very low-cut top to go shopping in the medina. I mean, it is OK, no one is going to stone you, but don’t be surprised if you get some unwanted attention and everyone thinks you’re an OnlyFans star.

Other typical insensitivities:

• Going skinny-dipping while being overlooked by a Masai warrior who is guarding the beach. Have accidentally done it myself. Long story. Still feel bad.

• Cranking up your own music on the beach.

• Getting absolutely mullered in a dry country.

• Referring to Mumbai as Bombay, just because “sorry I keep forgetting”.

• Roaring, “Don’t touch it, you’ll get the runs!” when someone in your party is offered the complimentary watermelon.

• Insisting on retiring behind a tree to sort out your money (in case your guide, who is watching, robs you).

• Asking to see the kitchens.

• Going berserk when your taxi takes an alternative route to the hotel (and having to be shown by the apologetic driver that there’s an upturned cart blocking the route).

• In general suffering from “Everyone is trying to rip me off” syndrome … because you’re abroad.

• Sending back food that is cooked to perfection, just not in the way you imagine it should have been.

• Sending back wine that tastes off when it’s just a robust Sicilian red.

• Snogging on sunloungers in front of the staff.

• Snogging the staff.

• Asking the locals to talk to you about the following: the mafia (Sicily), the Nazis (Chile), where to buy drugs (Turkey), eating dog (China), virus research labs (also China), the Indian Mutiny (in India they call it the Indian War of Independence, boomer), women’s rights (Saudi Arabia), you guys and your gun laws, WTF (Texas), you guys and Roe v Wade, WTF (also Texas), you guys and Trump, WTF (Alabama).

• Complaining about other tourists, especially the British. We have a prickly attitude towards other tourists (you’re going round the Colosseum, who do you expect to be doing that too? Romans on their lunch break?) and are openly hostile to those from our own country. We’ll hide behind our menus in Greek tavernas and hiss, “The whole of Shepherds Bush is here”, or we’ll get the hump when the hotel pick-up arrives at the airport and the people we were talking to at check-in are staying at the same place. It makes sense that there would be other Brits staying in the hotel but still, Brits don’t like it.

• Also, we don’t like Germans leaving their towels on the sunloungers before breakfast (yes, they do); Americans at reception talking very loudly about how much to tip; Frenchmen looking appalled by how fast you’re putting away the rosé at your table, and Frenchwomen giving you the “cover up, fatso” look poolside. If you look for long enough you will find them, and Brits are looking all the time.

• Bargaining aggressively. It’s a process, not a Squid Game challenge. No need to be rude. No need to glare and huff and say, “Oh, come on! The bloke down there is doing the same candlesticks for half that.” Well, you’re welcome to say that, with a smile and an eyebrow raise, but don’t get angry. And if you do buy the rug and then, when you go back an hour later because you forgot your hat, find they have shut up the shop and are lying around eating cake celebrating (they might even have retired for good), take it in good spirit.

• Thinking, “I’ll get this party started and they won’t know what’s hit them.” Yes, drinking the bar dry and then badgering the DJ and pogoing while singing the lyrics to Firework at the top of our voices is one of our national skills. But not everyone thinks it’s fantastic. We think, “We’re showing them! We have the bands! We know how to party! They haven’t seen anything like this before!” But guess what, they have — same place, last night, and it’s always the Red Bull and espresso martini-guzzling Brits.

• Dressing inappropriately. This is a big, big category, from David Cameron footwear (City leather lace-ups) with chinos, to going shirtless, everywhere, at all times. The Brits are experts at underdressing on holiday, then overdressing in the pool. Remember there was a bit of a hoo-ha a few years back, when British men were hauled up for wearing pants under their swimming trunks in French public swimming pools on the grounds that it was grubby? (Romeo Beckham was doing this in Sardinia the other day, off the private yacht, obvs, so no problem there.) Brits are also guilty of wearing board shorts to swim in, and T-shirts, and in general you know their pool hygiene is not everything it might be. Are they showering off the suncream first? Are they showering at all? Are they swimming in the trunks they wear 24/7 and taking their athlete’s foot into the shallow end and having a good old pick at it? Yes, they are.

Don’t take a boat out in the midday sun, get heatstroke, then expect to be rescued

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A last reminder of some things not to do:

• Don’t get in the fountain. Would you get in the fountain in Leicester? No. So don’t.

• Don’t try to cheat and park in the pedestrian precinct. They have bollards that rise up out of the pavement and then you’re stuck.

• Don’t take a pedalo out in the sun at midday and get heatstroke and expect to be rescued.

• Don’t pinch someone’s boat mooring. This stuff is serious. It’s like nipping into a claimed parking space at Lidl on a Saturday morning, only worse.

• Don’t march into a chemist in a remote area of Italy and demand condoms.

• Don’t go hiking in flip-flops.

• Don’t get carried away with finding a bargain (it’s all in Liberty for the same price these days).

• Do your best, and don’t forget you are representing your country.

Are you or anyone you know guilty of any of the behaviours on our list? Tell us in the comments