When I heard that the England football manager, Gareth Southgate, had replaced his trademark waistcoat with a cardigan, I must confess that I wasn’t very interested. But it seems I’m out of step because The Times devoted a whole page to the issue and even provided a cut-out-and-keep guide on how cardigans should be worn. Not too tight. Not too fine. Always leave one button undone. And if you wear a shirt underneath it’s important, apparently, to leave enough space.
Naturally, when you are claiming that Southgate’s wardrobe rethink has started a trend, it’s important to show that other GQ-type people are following his lead, so we were shown a picture of the former Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti and Ryan Gosling and of course there was James Bond in a knitted number with lapels. But is Bond a style icon? I only ask because he once wore a baby blue towelling playsuit. And who can forget Roger Moore’s unwise Daktari ensemble?
I think The Times may find that its leg-up for the cardie falls on deaf ears, as it’s just not something a thrusting man about town is going to go for. It’s something you grow into, like pipe smoking. And I should know — I’ve been a cardigan enthusiast for many years. I’m wearing one now. It’s fine and all the buttons are done up.
I’m a fan because I believe you should only ever have to get dressed once in a day. This means you have to wear something that works just as well in a tractor as it does at a dinner party. The jean trouser is one obvious example of this.
So are my cardigans. But there is a problem if you are old and tempted to give them a whirl: I can never find a shop that sells them. I’ve been into every one of those gentlemen’s outfitters on Savile Row and Jermyn Street and had no luck. Even StowAg doesn’t sell them.
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I’m told you can get them in Marks & Spencer, but I’ve never bought anything from M&S. There’s no reason for this, I just haven’t, and now it’s a handy conversation starter, so I never will. But my children do and that’s why I have my cardigans. They were very successful Christmas presents.
Next I shall probably start paying attention to those adverts in The Daily Telegraph for elastic-waisted, ziptastic action trousers. And then I’ll start wearing slippers round the house and then I’ll develop a fondness for Werther’s Originals and then I’ll get a Honda.
Yes, I know Honda used to be young, thrusting and brimming with innovation. But so was I and I’m not any more. And I know it makes the engine that powers Max Verstappen to victory every other weekend. But it keeps that very quiet as it doesn’t want to alarm its octogenarian customer base. It would be like finding out that John Craven wears a thong.
The Honda CR-V you see in the pictures is more their thing. Sensible. Extremely well made. A long way from fast, easy to get in and out of and, whoa, what’s this? It costs nearly £50,000. How is that possible? The last time I drove a CR-V it was £31,000. So what does this new car have that the old one didn’t?
The answer is, a lot. There are two versions: one is a plug-in hybrid that has two-wheel drive and then there’s the one I tested, which is an ordinary hybrid that has four-wheel drive. I’ve tried to get my head round this propulsion system but it’s tricky, so I’ll simply give you the explanation that Honda provides in its press pack and see if you can work it out.
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“Further revisions to the transmission include the addition of a second gear ratio when the engine is directly attached to the wheels. Joining the existing high ratio is a new low ratio — both of which have been optimised for the widest range of driving scenarios possible, ultimately increasing both the drive force at low speeds in engine drive mode and the frequency of driving in this efficient direct drive mode.”
All I can tell you is that I went to the pub in this car and after a lovely lunch I came out to find it was still on. The dashboard was all lit up and anyone could have got in and driven off in it. Now I’ve been caught out before by cars that have that annoying system that turns the engine off at the lights, but this was different. The engine wasn’t off. Well, the engine was but the electric motor was still running.
One of my neighbours bought an electric car recently and left it on for four days. “I thought it was like a phone,” she said. I laughed at her but I’m not laughing any more.
And here’s the thing. I’d pushed the lock button on the key fob and there had been no beep to say the electric motor was still on. Which is weird because there’s a beep for every other damn thing. And it’s all a bit like that Fawlty Towers fire alarm scene. You get a beep to tell you that you are breaking the speed limit put in place by a Liberal Democrat and then another beep a semitone higher to say what? That one of the tyres is a bit flat or that you are moments away from a head-on crash? I don’t know.
Actually I do know, because this car is fitted with every single collision-avoidance device you can think of and a million you can’t. There’s even one that will take control of the whole car if it thinks a crash is unavoidable. But if a crash is unavoidable then it’s too late, surely?
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Other things. Well, it uses radar to see round corners and cameras to eliminate blind spots, meaning it’s easier to crash Mr Biden’s Beast. Which is probably why it costs £50,000. You’re spending five grand on the car and forty-five grand on things to stop you crashing it.
I get the idea of course. If Honda is able to make a virtually uncrashable car, it is morally obliged to do so. But, and this applies to all modern cars, the safety features are all annoying when they aren’t actually saving your life, which is most of the time. The tugging at the wheel. The sudden braking. The flashing lights. And all of that begs another question. If you were given the option of living to 100 but only if you were bombarded day and night by endless beeps and bongs, would you say yes? I wouldn’t.
So here’s my suggestion. If you are elderly and need a reliable and sensible car to get you and Enid from No 25 to the garden centre every weekend, buy a Honda CR-V. But get one that was made ten years ago.
