Q: My daughter had a bunch of her friends over for a pool party and I was astonished at their behaviour. They were extremely messy, leaving food wrappers on the ground, crumbs everywhere and lots of overturned cups and melted ice cream.
Later that evening I found a pair of socks, a T-shirt, a bathing suit, a towel and three hats left behind. There were only 12 girls there! My older daughter and her friend were there lifeguarding, and I was there as an adult on site. I was quite surprised that some of the girls even left without saying goodbye and thank you.
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I’m obviously not going to say anything to the parents — no damage was done — but what do I say to my daughter?
A: This is a good lesson for both your daughters: if your friends can’t treat your family and your home with respect then they aren’t welcome. This same situation happened to a friend of mine and she told her children that for the rest of that summer, the pool was family and adult only. The kids were upset, and their friends were disappointed. But they heard her loud and clear.
It’s not difficult — you spill something, you clean it up. You say hello, thank you, and goodbye. You ask if you can help, you clean up, and you’re polite. The ABC’s of being a good guest. These lessons will guide your daughters as they grow up and spend time at other people’s homes, cottages, and on vacation.
FEEDBACK Regarding the two people in the restaurant (May 24):
Reader: “I just read your advice regarding two people overhearing a man berate a woman in public for her food choices. Is this really where we are? That we should give this man the benefit of the doubt? Do we need to assume the best when we hear things like that in public?
“It doesn’t sit right with me that this is the best we can do for our daughters. This isn’t about just that man just right then. It’s that in a public space we have OKed watching men hurt women and that’s fine.
“Because maybe he had a good reason. He didn’t. There isn’t one. But maybe he was joking. That’s not a joke. There isn’t anyone laughing.
“Well, maybe that’s just their dynamic! How far as a society have we fallen if that is an acceptable dynamic? But what if saying something puts her more at risk? What if it is abuse? If he’s already abusing her, he’s not going to stop. If he was going to escalate, he will, for any reason that suits him because that’s what happens in abusive relationships. Tiptoeing around abusers hasn’t worked so far.
“Are we OK with our boys talking to girls in school like that? No? Then why was this an exception?
“You are so careful with your advice, and I appreciate the caution in most things, but we need to do better all together and not make exceptions for terrible behaviour.
“Your advice stands and is good on its own. I just hope that there is less grace given in the future when one person’s public actions are so gross.”
Lisi: I strongly agree with what you are saying. There are no good reasons for men to hurt women, in the privacy of their home or in public. And I agree that tiptoeing around abusers isn’t the way forward.
However, we can’t go around as bystanders inserting ourselves into other peoples’ lives. There does have to be some sense of decorum, respect and privacy. Yes, from the letter writer’s description, the scene sounded “off.” But I wasn’t there, so I responded accordingly, and yes, cautiously.
Q: My 15-year-old son has returned from vacation with a friend’s family with his ear pierced. We never discussed it, in fact, it has never come up in conversation. It’s unobtrusive and really looks good on him, but ….
I didn’t sign off on it, and I don’t understand how another mom would allow that without speaking to me first. I’m furious at both my son and this mother, and feel I was sidelined.
A: You’re smart to recognize that you need to get past it. What’s done is done. He could take it out and the hole would close, but that’s not your point or your problem.
Let your son know how you feel, starting with the positives. But then explain that you would have liked to be involved. Depending on your relationship with the other mom, you could say something …. Or not. Nothing will change.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca
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