My top 10 ways to save the Tory party – for starters, ignore Reform

Far be it for me to intrude on private grief and all that. But, cordially, I will make an exception for the Tory party. In the spirit not of gloating, obviously, but of giving. They need all the help they can get right now, the poor shell-shocked souls who once seemed invincible but who turned out to be all too dispensable, human even. 

Except, of course, the seemingly unrepentant and robotic Liz Truss. The loss of her seat on election night was no exercise of graciousness in defeat. Instead, it was a petty display. But it’s her lack of contrition that really damns her. 

Though she of course was not the only rogue in the gallery: that vanquished popinjay George Galloway did not even turn up for his count.

Privately, they must go through all the various stages of grief, because politics is a brutal game. In no particular order, grief counsellors talk of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We have glimpsed some of this already.

Publicly, they have to find a new leader and, indeed, something much more difficult – a meaning in opposition. Who really are the Conservatives now? I grew up in a working-class Tory-voting household and once understood what they stood for, even if I didn’t agree with them. Lately, beyond anti-immigration policies, I really have little idea of what they represent.

 So, if they want to get back on track, here are 10, I imagine unwelcome, suggestions to the party.

1. Just calm down about Reform. In 2015, Ukip got 3.8 million votes and now, a decade later, Reform gets four million. They have no structure, no real policies and, apart from Farage, no real recognition. They care about immigration above all else and are not interested in the difficult, nuts and bolts of day-to-day politics. This is why in 2017 Ukip lost all 145 of its local council seats. Blaming immigration for every social ill does not get the bins collected or dentists taking on more patients. As a party of Parliament, Reform will now have to up their game. Just how often will Nigel Farage actually go to Clacton or Richard Tice to Skegness? Will they make a lot of noise though? Sure. My advice: ignore it.

2. Remember you lost many votes to the Lib Dems too! Suella Braverman’s rhetoric does not play well in the shires. Rwanda was a colossal waste of money. Immigration will remain an issue for this Labour government, and you can sit back and watch that play out instead of becoming ever more rabid. As Labour has shown, elections are won from the centre ground.

3. You were ejected because you were seen to be corrupt and incompetent. A well-run leadership contest could at least reassert some basic Tory values. I do not hold out much hope of this, and the well-trodden path of ex-ministers gliding into well-paid directorships hardly speaks of the public service ethos that Sir Keir Starmer is effectively peddling at the moment.

4. Stop pining for Boris Johnson. He did you over. He did everyone over. It’s bad enough watching Nadine Dorries do it. Everyone else, get a grip. 

5. Ditto Thatcher. Ditto Cameron. Move on.

6. Unless you are actually to die out as a party, you have to acknowledge that young people exist. You seem to offer nothing for the young. As this election taught us – ignore them at your peril.

7. Stop disparaging the country you live in. If everything is dark and dangerous and falling apart after 14 years of Tory rule, what of the future? Tory visions of the future are all re-runs of an imaginary past.

8. Work cross-party and with the Lords. This has already been done in areas such as women’s rights. This will be a different kind of parliament and rather than noxious tribalism, you could make yourselves look at least a little more grown up.

9. I would ban the word “woke” but I would keep an eye on how Labour does on gender ideology, an issue that is not going to go away. 

10. Say sorry for the errors made while in power and show that, the rules do apply to you too, from Partygate to Covid contracts. Personally, I would like to see Kemi Badenoch lead the revival, but restoring integrity to your party will require much more than simply a change at the top. For critics, the whiff of excess, of decadence, of entitlement will continue to linger unless addressed head-on

Fake piety won’t do it. Listening might. Hope can only come after grief has been processed, and part of that is having a sense of both the present and the future. 

That is a collective enterprise for a party that prides itself on individualism, but the country has moved on and it has left you trailing behind. Begin to carve out a vision in opposition, really tell us what modern conservatism actually means. Alternatively, you could just sulk and bicker until the next election.