How To Make Your Threesome As Romantic As Possible

Make sure everyone's comfortable with each other and excited.

"If you are going to do a threesome, it is best that [everyone is] connecting with both partners somewhat equally, and everyone is into doing it, and one person doesn't feel guilted or coerced into it," says Dennis*, who had many threesomes while single, and is now currently in a committed three-way polyamorous relationship with two other men.

Remember being the last kid picked for dodge ball in grade school? Being the odd man out during a threesome is the grown-up equivalent of that rejection — and joining a team you don't want to be a part of in the first place can be even worse.

To avoid this, it's a good idea for the threesome participants to go on a date and hang out with each other prior to sleeping together. That way, you can get a feel of the chemistry between the three of you, both sexually and emotionally. And never have a threesome simply because your partner is really into this person but you're not.

*Name has been changed to protect identity.

Set boundaries — and stick to them.

As with sex parties, it's important that you discuss and create boundaries between you, your partner, and the third before the actual sex. Once the sex starts, you might be so turned on that you'll want to toss those rules out the window, but creating boundaries and sticking to them will prevent post-threesome regret.

"Don't want your butthole played with? Express it to the gang prior to cranking the Andrew WK and #partyinghard," says Small Hands, an AVN award-winning porn performer and husband to fellow performer Joanna Angel (both of whom have "had too many threesomes for me to count"). "You ain't a foot person? Maybe crack a joke about it just in case there's any toe suckers in the room!"

It's also a good idea to establish safe words so that everyone has an easy way of opting out of an act or stopping the threesome altogether.

Make sure all three of you are communicating before and during sex.

Communication, including the right to retract consent, does not stop once sex begins. Before and during sex, if anyone feels uncomfortable, it's important to speak up.

Perhaps, prior to the threesome, you agreed your partner could penetrate the third with their penis or strap-on, and now you're realizing that's just too uncomfortable to watch. Speak up with a simple, "Hey, can we slow this down for a minute?" If someone says the safe word or expresses a wish to stop, all parties must halt. An important reminder for the couple: Check in with your third periodically. They aren't your sex toy; they're a person who is also present for a pleasurable experience.

"[Communicating well] means being a 100% actively engaged and respectful listener, not cutting anyone off when they are being expressive of their feelings, and being receptive to the expression and feedback," Dennis says.

Stay (at least mostly) sober.

Having your first threesome is daunting. The temptation to overindulge at the bar prior to jumping into the situation is understandable. Not only can being too drunk make it more difficult for penises to get hard and cause vaginal dryness, but booze lowers inhibitions, which can mean breaking your pre-set boundaries.

Small Hands says a few hits of weed or a drink or two to take the edge off is fine, but no more, and absolutely no hard drugs. According to him, certain psychedelics can make a threesome truly odd: "You will think epic shit is happening, but in reality, you will be that dude tripping balls on acid trying to bone the summer squash thinking you're seeing Jesus, while your wife and her [third] both awkwardly ponder locking you out of the house and just boning each other." (That sounds pretty specific, but you get the gist.)

Control your jealousy.

For better or worse, having a threesome with your partner is going to teach you a lot about how you experience sexual jealousy. Maybe you'll be fine with it, but if the jealousy becomes too much, use your right to politely tell the others involved that you're not feeling it.

One of the best ways to control jealousy is to remember that this is a group experience to enhance your sex life, and focus on your partner's pleasure as well as your own (more on that to come). Another important tactic in preventing jealousy is entering into a threesome only if you're in a solid relationship. This is why taking steps to make sure your relationship can handle one before diving in is crucial. And again, communication is your best tool before and during the act.

Don’t expect a perfectly smooth ride.

Unfortunately, as most jaded adults know, things don't always go as planned. "There’s always this 'We’ll all just have fun together!' vibe going in, but inevitably, when things get heated, someone winds up being the center of attention," says Scott*, who has had six successful threesomes with his wife (and one that ended with hurt feelings). Communication prior can help prevent this, but it's also important to understand that, no matter what you do or how prepared you think you are, it may not go as planned. That's just a risk you're agreeing to take when deciding to go for the desired reward. If you don't enjoy the threesome, either don't do it again or learn from your mistakes and jump back in the (three-person) saddle better equipped the next time.

*Name has been changed to protect identity.

Get off on watching your partner's pleasure.

It may sound counterintuitive, but watching your partner with another person sexually can be hot AF. For men, the fetish is known as "cuckolding," and it refers to watching a female partner have sex with another male (you might be familiar with "cuck," a term the so-called "alt-right" co-opted and ruined). According to some who enjoy this kink, it's for the highly intellectual.

While the term refers specifically to men, women can also enjoy watching their partner have sex with another person. And even though threesomes inherently mean that all parties are actively having sex, you can still tap into the odd primal pleasure of watching your partner with someone else.

A good way to think about it? "That guy right there? Making that girl come while she goes down on me? Yeah, he's with me" (sub out the particulars of your situation, of course). Watching your partner get someone else off, and get off on getting someone else off, can be mega-sexy in a very animalistic way.

Focus on pleasing everyone.

Three Musketeers-level threesomes do happen, but they require concentration. "A threesome is successful if everyone is deeply engaged in what's going on at the moment, open minded to trying different things, and not just fixating on one partner more than the other — unless that's the dynamic that everyone is cool with, since it can be super hot sometimes when two partners decide to fixate to pleasure and take care of one," Dennis says.

If you don't make a conscious effort to attend to all three parties, resentments can form. How to avoid this? Along with choosing the proper third and keeping up the communication, the answer is Sex Advice 101: Don't be a selfish prick in bed.

"If everyone focuses on the others' pleasure, chances are it will get boomeranged back to you, and bam, you guys are off to the real races," Small Hands says.

Go out in public together after.

Now for the truly awkward part: What do you do after the sex has ended and (hopefully) everyone has gotten off? Whether the third spends the night is up to you all, but just like you'd take someone out to brunch after the first time you have sex, it's a good idea to get out of the house to balance the mood and let your third know they're not just your play thing.

"Go out to a public spot for a decompression drink, breakfast, slice of pizza," Scott says. "Just take your party back into the real world to realize that you can still just chat like friends and that everything is still the same as it was before." Then, the couple can go home and use the experience as dirty talk to keep the hot sex going for days.

Check in with your partner(s).

Threesomes can cause new emotions to bubble up after they're over. Even if you discuss the risk of jealousy beforehand, things might change once you're actually in the act of a threesome. Talk with your partner afterwards to discuss how you both felt, and whether it was a total bust or something you'd want to do again. Swapping highlights is a great way to find new ways you can please each other, too.

Also, don't limit the conversation to just your partner; check in with your third too, especially if they're a friend. Make sure they're still comfortable and there's not any awkwardness or hurt feelings between the three of you.