32 Signs Your Marriage Is Built to Last

Too many people think only of what they can get out of a relationship, rather than all of the good that goes into it. So if you feel like both you and your partner are focused on contributing positive things, that's a great sign, according to Suzie Pileggi Pawelski, and James Pawelski, PhD, authors of Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love that Lasts. "Relationships have a strong chance of surviving when both partners work together to feed that good and are inspired to become better themselves," they say.

You can love someone and still not like them very much. (Exhibit A: Your toddler in full meltdown in the grocery store.) But when it comes to relationships, you want to be just as "in like" with your partner as you are "in love" with them, says Sunny Rodgers, clinical sexologist, certified sex coach, and ambassador for the American Sexual Health Association. "Good old fashioned 'like' is important because those all-encompassing feelings of lust and infatuation will fade, and then unless you truly like your partner, you’re bound for unhappiness that will sabotage the longevity of your relationship," she explains.

Just because you're married doesn't mean you should do everything together. Maintaining your own individual interests, activities, hobbies, and friends also helps you maintain your own sense of self. Plus, they give you more to talk about at the dinner table. "This doesn’t mean that they don’t engage in activities with their partner or invite their spouse out with their friends. It just means they don’t feel obligated to do everything with their partner," say the Pawelskis. This is a good sign, because research shows that interdependence, not dependence, is associated with successful relationships, they add.

Sex is an important part of any relationship but it shouldn't be the basis of your marriage, Rodgers says. "Often people think their compatibility in the bedroom is enough to build a relationship on—and it’s just not," she says. "Friendship is important because looks may change, bedroom desires may change, but a friendship can continue to grow stronger and form a solid bond for the future of your relationship." So make sure you're seeing fireworks both in and out of the bedroom.

Being able to laugh both at yourself and at a situation is a powerful way to prevent little arguments from turning into huge fights — and a great way to repair your relationship if you do end up arguing. "Couples who have a child-like spirit never take things too seriously. Humor creates a special bond that, in my experience, makes couples happier and more resilient when they face the challenges of life," says Sameera Sullivan, professional relationship coach and CEO of Lasting Connections. "Playfulness and humor is a dynamic part of any good relationship – it denotes a sense of openness with your partner and the ability to enjoy one another independent of circumstances."

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Marriage counseling is helpful for couples in serious crises, sure, but it's also great for helping with your everyday issues. Couples who have done some therapy together show their willingness to be open to their partner's concerns and to work on the relationship, says Wendi Dumbroff, licensed professional counselor and sex therapist. "Many couples come with a genuine desire to improve their relationship and it really does work," she says. "When both partners are truly actively engaged in the process of couples therapy, and they are both genuinely motivated to work on the marriage, and create change, I often see a long, happy outcome for them."

Disagreements are an unpleasant, yet fundamental, part of any marriage — you don't love that they happen but you recognize they'll help you both learn something important. "People think that 'letting things go' or being passive can reduce the number of fights they have and therefore decrease their chances of divorce. But, what I’ve seen time and again are couples who, because they keep things inside, lose their ability to communicate and loss of communication is behind nearly every divorce today," Sullivan says. People who have long-lasting relationships have conflicts but they discuss those conflicts and solve them together, she adds.

Many people think that being a good problem solver is one of the best attributes they can have. The reality, however, is that being a good listener is far more important to the people around you. "A couple has a good chance of making it when each partner has good listening skills. A willingness to hear what the other person is saying, even (especially!) when you disagree, is key," explains Amy Morin, a licensed clinical social worker, lecturer at Northeastern University, and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do. "People just want to be heard and understood in their relationships."

Date night makes every "How to have a good relationship" list for a reason — the couple that plays together, stays together. But it's not enough to just default to dinner and a movie once a month. You need to plan and prioritize your time together. "Long-lasting couples stay connected. This doesn't have to be extravagant; it can be a television show that you both really enjoy and always watch together. Or you can take up an activity for just the two of you, like paddle boarding or a certain game," says Libby James, a family law attorney with Horack Talley in Charlotte, N.C.. "When you have a set activity, you have something new to talk about and it becomes a touch point that makes the couple feel more connected."

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Ever had an entire fight with your partner — completely in your own mind? It's normal to dwell on things that are upsetting, but letting them fester can wreck your marriage. Instead, partners in successful long-term relationships speak up immediately when something's bothering them, James says. On the flip side, they also check in regularly with their partner to see if they can help them in any way. It takes both the asking for help and the helping to make a happy couple. No more simmering and stewing — speak up!

Respect is the one thing that has the power to make or break your marriage because it underlies everything else you do, says Charlynn Ruan, Ph.D., clinical psychologist based in Los Angeles and founder of Thrive Psychology. "If a relationship is based on a good foundation of friendship and respect, it will be more flexible and resilient," she says. "If your partner truly believes in you as a person they will be there for you through all life stages and adapt to support your dreams."

Does your husband want to start his own kite surfing business? Does your wife want to go to art school? Even if his or her goal doesn't seem important or realistic to you at first, supporting them in their hopes and dreams is key to a lasting relationship, Morin says. "Working toward new personal and professional goals fosters growth," she explains. "Couples who support that growth —rather than fear it — are likely to grow together, rather than apart."

No one is saying you should overlook major red flags like lying or sneaking around but when it comes to fortifying your marriage for the long haul, learning to turn a blind eye to the little things can really go a long way. "Couples who don't sweat the small stuff will have a healthy long relationships," says Venessa Marie Perry, Ph.D., M.P.H., founder and chief relationship counselor at The Love Write. "Doing so shows that you understand that life is fragile but you don’t take it so seriously that you allow it to take away your joy."

If you can just look at each other and burst out laughing, that says great things about your relationship as a couple. Laughing together shows you're tuned in to the other person's signals, you understand what they enjoy, and you remember past fun experiences with them — all important for a tight bond. "If you see a couple laughing together a lot you can assume there is good stuff going on. Laughter suggests there is a good deal of positive emotion in the relationship and they tend to engage with each other in positive ways," says Mark Sharp, Ph.D., a relationship psychologist in Oak Brook, Illinois. "Plus, laughter is just a healing and connecting experience."

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Blaming never helps the situation or your relationship — even if whatever has upset you really was your partner's fault. "A marriage with a good chance of lasting requires people to stay away from the blame game," says Pei-Han Cheng, Ph.D., staff psychologist at St. John’s University, in Queens, New York. "Own up to your own feelings and reactions by using 'I' statements instead of more accusatory 'you' statements." This prevents resentment from building up and allows couples to work on solving the problem instead of attacking each other.

A marriage where you always get your way is...probably non-existent. So instead of sulking or arguing, long-term couples quickly learn the art of compromise, Cheng says. "In a marriage, there are two completely different people. No matter how compatible they are, there is going to be times when they don’t see eye to eye," he explains. "In long-lasting marriages, you can see people have this ability of understanding where the other person is coming from and are willing to find a middle path. It may not feel 100 percent satisfying for either one of them, but it works."

Helping each other through life's horrible but inescapable tragedies — a work layoff, a death in the family, a health crisis, a serious accident — forges strong relationship. "A couples' bond strengthens when they survive or overcome obstacles together," Cheng says. "A long-lasting marriage often requires people to remain supportive, resilient and collaborative, and to conquer challenges as a team." When it comes to marriage, the old adage really is true: What does not kill you makes you stronger.

Regardless of how their days have been or what they're going through, couples in love will still feel joy in seeing their partner. This can be as simple as your partner smiling when you walk in. "Excitement to see your partner again after a long or short absence is a sign of long-lasting couples," says Cynthia Chauvin Miles, certified hypnotherapist, relationship coach, and author of The 10 Ways: A Guide to the 21st Century Relationship. "When you have that excitement it engenders a genuine feeling of happy anticipation to see your partner, to be with them, to hear from them, to be a part of their lives."

One of the most telltale signs that a couple has a rock-solid marriage is that each makes the other their number one priority. When both people do this it creates a relationship based on mutual service and respect, allowing them to work together as a team. "A team consults with each other when making important decisions, stays connected to each other during the day, and they doesn't diffuse their personal issues by complaining to other people," says Karol Ward, licensed social worker, professional therapist and motivational speaker in NYC. "When the couple has a strong belief in the importance of their partnership, they can withstand many things."

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