You’re not allowed to feel jealous of your friends. It’s a word reserved for discussing an ex’s Hinge habit post-breakup, or nonchalantly tossed around the office when a coworker books a holiday. But being jealous of a friend… particularly a female friend? In a post-girl-boss world? Have you even heard of women supporting women?!

Even if experiencing jealousy towards your friends is taboo, it still happens. The term “I feel jealous of my friend” is more googled than any other “I feel jealous of…” statement. It’s evidently not rare, just suppressed. Why? Jealousy doesn’t get good press: it’s an ugly emotion, or in the words of Charli xcx: “Jealousy is just not a very sexy feeling, is it?” Jealousy is shamefully rooted in the murky depths of the inadequacies we feel about ourselves – be it our body, finances, popularity, or creativity – before morphing into the beast of endless comparison, stifled projection and ultimately, even more shame.

For this reason, it’s rarely discussed openly. It’s also why Charli xcx’s “The girl, so confusing remix with Lorde”, had fans in tears on public transport. In the disarmingly honest remix of the song from Charli’s critically acclaimed sixth studio album Brat, both artists unpack the complexity of experiencing jealousy and inadequacy within their friendship. While Charli muses on the confusing awkwardness of the industry comparing the two artists – ultimately suspecting Lorde might be praying for her downfall – Lorde opens up about internal struggles with her body and how feelings of inadequacy pushed her to build “a weapon” of projection.

It’s a watershed moment, not just for pop, but for every girl who’s experienced the confusing fog of jealousy and projection descend on a friendship, distorting the person in front of us beyond recognition. If Charli and Lorde can work it out in the remix, then anyone can. Here’s how:

ACCEPT THAT FEELING JEALOUS DOESN’T MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON

Contrary to what your internal monologue may whisper, feeling jealous of a friend does not make you evil. It’s actually pretty normal, especially for the countless women who are socialised to view other women as competition from a young age. “To start, you need to acknowledge that jealousy is there and understand that it doesn’t make you a bad person,” says psychologist and relationship expert Dr Mellisa Cook. “It’s a natural human emotion that everyone is likely to experience at some point.” Accepting jealousy is an essential first step in dismantling the shame that can come with being jealous of a friend.

DON’T ACT ON IT

Where there’s jealousy, there’s also the temptation to behave like a dick. Feeling jealous doesn’t make you a bad person, but acting on it isn’t wise. Psychotherapist Naomi Magnus points out that intense feelings of envy can make it “difficult to be happy for your friend when they share their achievements, if you get a sense of pain that those achievements aren’t yours.” Magnus explains that this can come with the urge to drag your friend down and “take joy out of the thing they have that you desire.” As irresistible as this compulsion might feel, acting on jealousy can damage the friendship, and intensify feelings of shame. You’re not required to act on every warm-blooded impulse that surges through your body: take a breath, and let the impulse pass. 

WORK OUT WHERE IT’S COMING FROM

This is where it gets personal. Jealousy, as psychologist and author Dr Lalitaa Suglan explains, often stems from feelings of “inadequacy, insecurity, or fear of losing the friend's attention or affection.” According to Suglan, healing primarily begins internally. It’s no surprise that Charli titled a song about jealousy “Girl, so confusing”. Between the mesh of personal insecurity, and outward projections of jealousy, it’s often difficult (and even painful) to make the connection between the two. 

Counsellor Georgina Sturmer notes that projection often serves as a subconscious defence mechanism to “protect ourselves from the painful feelings that lie beneath our jealousy.” Ask what inner feelings of inadequacy are causing your jealousy. Sure, consciously examining our own insecurities is uncomfortable, but it’s an essential step in taking control, lifting the fog of projection and taking accountability for your emotions. Suppression only feeds the beast of shame. 

GET VULNERABLE

The idea of telling anyone you’re jealous of them probably sounds sickening, but it doesn’t have to be. Magnus argues that getting vulnerable with a friend about jealousy can actually deepen your relationship. “Sharing the things that you feel jealous of is also you sharing the things you admire in your friend; put gently and kindly this may be experienced as flattery and positive feedback which will only make you closer,” she says. Plus, when we feel this unspeakable jealous weirdness, it’s often reciprocal. “When we harbour jealous feelings and don’t share them, we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to experience admiration back. You may be surprised when you share feelings of jealousy with your friend, that they are actually jealous of you too.” By embracing vulnerability, you can ultimately save the friendship, alleviate the pain, and foster an even deeper connection than before.