Does the thought of a deep conversation send shivers down your spine? Are you way more intrigued by a partner's insights on world issues than their physical appearance? Welcome to the enthralling world of sapiosexuality, my friends, where (perceived) intelligence reigns supreme over…well, pretty much everything.
“Sapiosexual refers to a person who is attracted, primarily or exclusively, to people they find intelligent, with less or no importance placed on the person’s physical appearance, gender, or sex identity,” explains Dr. Ummni Khan, an associate professor of law and legal studies at Carleton University with a focus on the socio-legal construction of deviant sexuality.
Not so surprisingly, the root of the word (sapio) means “wise” in Latin, and while you might not be familiar with the term, it’s a genuine (and valid!) preference for those who find themselves spellbound by intelligence. As for how it plays out IRL, psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist Lee Phillips, EdD describes sapiosexuality as being “attracted to thoughtful conversations rather than physical foreplay.” It's like getting turned on by watching your SO score during trivia versus making out for hours.
Of course, like many romantic and sexual identities, where you fall on the spectrum of sapiosexuality can vary. One person might enjoy intellectual banter/stimulation over all types of physical intimacy, whereas others might still enjoy the occasional steamy sext in addition to discussions of French literature.
Whether it's solving unsolvable equations together or listening to your lover gush about their favorite philosopher, intelligence is a prominent turn-on for many people. If you think brains are just as hot as (if not hotter than) brawn, here’s a comprehensive breakdown of what it actually means to be sapiosexual.
Related terms:
What Is Sapiosexuality?
The term “sapiosexual” was first coined in a 1998 LiveJournal post by a user named WolfieBoy, who created the term because they felt there wasn’t any language available that clearly described their sexual preferences. However, mainstream use of the term didn’t really start to take off until the 2010s. In 2014, OkCupid made “sapiosexual” an option for sexual orientation on both its app and website, giving the term more legitimacy and relevance in the dating world.
In 2017, Sapio, advertised as “the only app that gets to the core of people through their lived experiences, heartfelt opinions, and bold passions,” hit the App Store, giving sapiosexual people a dating app option designed just for them.
While the term has gained popularity, there’s some confusion around where sapiosexuality falls on the sexuality spectrum, as it can mean different things to different people. Some can see it as their sexual orientation—overriding all other factors in choosing a partner. For others, it’s a way to filter their attractions.
"Sapiosexuality can also be considered a kink or fetish rather than an orientation," Phillips says. For example, someone might identify as a demiromantic heteroflexible BDSM switch sapiosexual (I know!). “In this case, it becomes one factor among others to articulate one’s identity (or identities) and desires,” adds Khan. “In my view, the best way to understand sapiosexuality is to learn how it’s being used by the person identifying with the term.” It’s just one of many ways to classify and categorize a variety of leanings, preferences, and sexual desires. Oh, and P.S. However someone views their sapiosexuality—and how that label fits them and describes their experiences—should be respected no matter what.
What’s the Difference Between Sapiosexual, Demisexual, and Greysexual?
Because sapiosexuality emphasizes being more sexually aroused and/or stimulated by a partner’s mind than their body, it can often be confused with identities within the asexuality spectrum such as demisexual and greysexual.
While both sapiosexuality and demisexuality veer away from physical attributes as a source (or the main source) of attraction, “sapiosexuality focuses on intelligence (however defined), while in the case of demisexuality, desire flows from forming an emotional bond,” explains Khan. Of course, there can be some overlap between the two. For example, you can be turned on and feel a close bond to someone because of their emotional intelligence.
On the other hand, those who identify as greysexual (or gray-asexual, gray-ace, grey-ace) rarely experience sexual attraction, but unlike demisexuals, they don’t necessarily need to form an emotional connection first in order to feel a sexual one. On the rare occasion that greysexual people do experience sexual feelings toward someone else (think of the meaning of the word “grey,” which can be defined as “without interest”), the reason for it varies from person to person. A greysexual person may even choose to engage in sex without experiencing sexual attraction in order to please their partner or to have children. Someone who’s sapiosexual may also be greysexual, but again, these two terms are not necessarily interchangeable.
You might be asking, “If you’re sapiosexual, can you only have sex with people you’re mentally stimulated by?” Well, not necessarily. “It depends on how strong the sapiosexual tendency is,” says Khan. “Many of us have had sex with people outside of our primary orientation, but if you’re sapiosexual, your preference will generally be for people you think are intelligent.”
How Do You Know If You’re Sapiosexual?
While there’s no set criteria for discovering if you’re sapiosexual (and the label looks and feels different for everyone), here are a few signs the experts say might hint at sapiosexuality:
- You find someone attractive after reading an op-ed, a poem, or an academic essay they wrote.
- A debate with someone who offers original and thought-provoking arguments feels like foreplay.
- You’re turned on by TED Talks more than porn.
- Someone’s unique point of view matters more to you than their physical appearance.
- You find PhDs extremely hot.
- You’re attracted to people you can have philosophical debates with.
- You can’t stand small talk and want to get straight into the details.
- Intelligence ranks higher in attractiveness than all other factors, including physical attractiveness.
How Sapiosexuality Works in Relationships
As previously mentioned, sapiosexuality manifests in various ways. According to Phillips, it could be the allure of a professor passionately lecturing or the charm of someone well-versed in complex subjects. "It's not just about being attracted to intelligence," Phillips adds, "but being stimulated by intellectual discussions that can lead to deeper connections." Sex can still be (and often is) a part of the relationship, but the road to arousal is more mental than physical.
So what happens when someone who is sapiosexual enters a relationship, especially with someone who doesn't share the same level of enthusiasm for intellectual discourse? Phillips explains sapiosexual folks *often* find compatibility with others who share their kink/orientation. Dating someone who doesn't identify as sapiosexual, however, can present unique challenges. One partner may feel undervalued if they aren't as knowledgeable or engaged in specific topics. As with all relationships, the key here is communication and understanding each other's needs.
For instance, if you're more physically inclined, introducing intellectual elements into your interactions can be a gateway to connecting with your sapiosexual partner. Consider reading to each other, visiting museums, or engaging in thoughtful debates. This not only brings you closer but also caters to your significant other’s desire for mental stimulation. Don’t forget to ask your sapiosexual SO to return the favor! You don’t have to have the same kinks (or even act on them), but you do have to respect each other’s preferences and personal boundaries.
Why Is the Label So Controversial?
As a result of its emphasis on intelligence, sapiosexuality as a label has been highly criticized as pretentious at best and ableist, classist, and racist at worst.
“The concept of intelligence is deeply subjective,” says Khan. “Indeed, it can be measured in ways that perpetuate cultural biases and discriminatory stereotypes. It can be elitist and classist when it focuses on higher education and the accumulation of university degrees.” While not all sapiosexual people value university degrees over other forms of intelligence, the term itself can be seen as a humblebrag—sort of like signaling to the world that you’re “not ‘superficial’ and that you’re intelligent enough to value and recognize someone else’s intelligence,” says Khan.
Exploring sapiosexuality even further, Dr. Liz Powell, a non-binary sex educator and psychologist, questions the value of the label when it comes to actually finding partners with whom you share common interests and views. “I think that identifying as sapiosexual is a way to complement ourselves through a label rather than it being a useful way to provide information to someone else,” they argue. “I think it’s more useful to say, ‘My favorite books are this and this, extra points to people who’ve read them.’ That gives me more of an idea about what this person’s looking for rather than them saying, ‘I’m sapiosexual.’”
Are you looking for someone who’s open to debating philosophical theories with you? Do you want someone to dig into Crime and Punishment with and talk about the carceral state? It might be more valuable to you to ask yourself, What type of connection and stimulating conversation am I looking for? and center that rather than the label of sapiosexuality.
Sapiosexuality and Online Dating
Sapiosexuality is part of a growing trend of adopting labels not only to better capture how we feel, but also to improve our chances of connecting with a compatible partner or lover.
“Dating profiles limit how much you can say about yourself or what you want. Identities like sapiosexual allow people to more precisely articulate themselves and express what kind of partners they desire within the confined digital space of a dating app,” says Khan.
With the limited tools users have to express who they are and what they’re looking for on their dating profile, it’s no wonder that new terms are emerging every single day that aim to help us find people we might connect with.
Nevertheless, no one word can fully capture who you are and what you’re drawn to. When it comes to choosing a label (or labels) that best describes your sexuality, orientation, and/or desires, Powell says it’s always worth sitting with yourself and asking, How did I find this identity or label? What is it that leads me to identify with it? What is it that I’m getting from it? What are my goals with using this label? Is this something that I have some unpacking to do around, or is this label real to me and descriptive of who I am?
And if the word “sapiosexual” best describes you and how you experience attraction, use it! Phillips emphasizes the importance of personal choice in how we identify and label our attractions, so if sapiosexuality resonates with you, embrace it. It's a part of your unique identity and how you experience the world. The term exists for a reason, and no matter how you choose to identify, remember: No one knows you better than you know yourself.
Naydeline Mejia is an assistant editor at Women’s Health, where she covers sex, relationships, and lifestyle for WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine. She is a proud graduate of Baruch College and has more than two years of experience writing and editing lifestyle content. When she’s not writing, you can find her thrift-shopping, binge-watching whatever reality dating show is trending at the moment, and spending countless hours scrolling through Pinterest.
Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries). She has over 10 years of editorial experience with bylines at Women's Health, Elite Daily, Betches, and more. She lives in Tampa, Florida, but did not feed her husband to tigers. When she's not testing out new sex toys (100+ and counting so far!), she's likely chilling with her dogs or eating buffalo chicken dip. Ideally at the same time. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
