What It's Really Like to be a Sperm Donor

When the average person thinks about sperm donation, you imagine a guy jerking off into a cup, collecting however much money he hypothetically made, and never thinking about it again. But there can be a lot more to it than that. In this week's Sex Talk Realness, Cosmopolitan.com spoke with three men about how they really feel about donating their sperm so that someone else can have a child. 

How old are you?
Man A:
Fifty.

Man B: Sixty-seven.

Man C: Thirty-five. 

How old were you when you first donated sperm?
Man A: Thirty. 

Man B: Twenty-two.

Man C: Twenty-six. 

What were your original reasons for wanting to donate sperm?
Man A: I'd known people who had used a donor sperm before and I wanted to help those in need.

Man B: I really just wanted to make sure that I had a kid no matter what else happened in my life.

Man C: Financial reasons. 

Did you have any hesitation before you first donated sperm? 
Man A: I was cautious because it was a major decision, which could have had major repercussions decades down the road. I did look into how children of sperm donation fared, and once I found out that they usually are fine and alleviated that concern, I was in. 

Man B: Not knowing what the process would be like was scary. I didn't know if someone would be standing there watching in the same room, but they told me it was all private. 

Man C: Not at all. I was confident that any children born from my donations (or their parents) couldn't sue me or request any kind of financial support. I did worry that any possible children could have physical or mental complications, but the clinic's in-depth testing reassured me that they likely wouldn't. 

What was the application process like?
Man A: Applying to be a sperm donor included not only filling out a lot of health forms on family medical history (which meant contacting family members and letting them know what I was up to) and providing a sample donation and undergoing a blood test, but also some personal conversations where they were judging whether I would be able to deal with donation and its possible long-term effects.

Man B: I called and made an appointment, and then when I got there, I answered 10,000 questions, got some blood drawn, then went into the room to supply the donation, and then waited to hear that everything was OK with my donation. 

Man C: I filled out an application online. I think it was mostly simple demographics, education, and medical questions. I was then asked to come into the clinic and provide a sample. I met the two directors of the clinic to go over my online application. I think they explained to me that they have to freeze and then thaw the sperm to see how they survive. At some point, they gave me a more in-depth application, which consisted of mostly family medical history. They also explained how the donation process worked and how the parents "shopped" for their sperm donor. That's when I told them I wanted any offspring to be able to contact me once they turned 18. That kind of donor received more money with each donation. I also had to schedule a physical with their doctor, then they had to wait for my blood work to come back to make sure I didn't have any chromosomal issues there. Once my blood work, sperm donation, family medical history, and physical history all checked out, it was official. I also did a recorded interview answering random questions that were more about my personality and provided all my education certificates as well. 

You had to have 48–72 hours of abstinence prior to donating. Once I came in, they gave me my cup and I went into one of the two donor rooms. They told me I had to wash my hands and showed me where the magazines were. If you wanted to sit on the couch, you had to put a hospital sheet under your butt, but I preferred to stand. Once you finished, they told you to not touch the sperm or let your penis touch the cup. If that happened, it would compromise the sterility of the sample and you had to throw it out. I didn't feel weird about masturbating in the room because it had been a few days since I'd masturbated, so it was nice. I made sure to get as much sperm as I could into the cup because you got extra money for however many vials your sperm was able to fill. I then washed my hands and put the cup into the mini fridge and left. 

Was there anything about the application process that surprised you? 
Man A: I had to fill out a sexual history. I remember it as being the numbers of my past sexual partners and the number of encounters, broken down by gender, which was tough to remember. 

Man B: Not really. It was all pretty clinical. 

Man C: The prostate exam I had to have every six months really surprised me. 

Did you donate sperm more than once? 
Man A: The sperm bank I was working with was interested in long-term, quality donors, and I ended up donating weekly most weeks (sometimes twice a week) for about three years. Not all of those donations were used because they require a certain sperm count for potency reasons, and mine didn't always hit that number. 

Man B: No.

Man C: I tried to donate as much as possible, which was at least once a week (twice a week if I could) so I could get more money. I was a donor for about a year and a half I think.

Did your reasons for donating sperm ever change over time?
Man A: I probably wouldn't have done it as long as I did if money was not a factor, even though that was not the reason I started doing it.

Man B: My original decision on donating sperm so that I could have a child no matter what never changed for me. I became a widower very early on in life and we never had kids. I never pursued a family after that, though I did give some thought to getting a surrogate mother, but ultimately decided not to go for it.

Man C: I definitely started wondering if my sperm was really working and actually giving parents children. I actually started to feel like I was doing a really good thing. 

Do you still donate sperm? 
Man A: I retired shortly before getting married. The donation process required a period of abstinence and I didn't want that interfering with my married life. Plus, I was approaching the limit of what they'd take from one donor anyway, which was 15 moms who'd used your sperm. 

Man B: I haven't donated since and I don't donate now. I'm way too old. 

Man C: I'm not a donor anymore. They told me they had too much of my sperm already. 

Are you currently raising any children? Do you know if your sperm donations have resulted in any children?
Man A: I have my own kids and my donations generated over a dozen children.

Man B: I have no idea. No one ever showed up claiming to be my child though and I would probably pass out if they did. 

Man C: I have two stepsons, but no biological children. A few years ago, the curiosity finally got to me and I searched all the forums and message boards, which is how I found out that my sperm resulted in offspring. At this point in my life, I don't think I want to know anything further until the kids are 18 and want to contact me. I did post some information about myself that was on my donor profile from the clinic I donated at onto a popular donor registry. A parent contacted me through that site wondering if I might've been her donor. I offered some information that only both of us would know, and they shared a picture of the child, and it was obvious that I was the donor.

Have you met any of the people who used your sperm?
Man A: Yes. There's a site called Donor Sibling Registry, which exists primarily to help offspring of the same donor (and thus half-siblings) to meet each other, but they also connect moms and donors. I met some of them that way. 

Man B: No. 

Man C: I have not met the children. The parents and I exchanged emails at first and now we email on holidays. Once I found that woman who clearly had used my sample for her son, pictures were exchanged and we started going into our biographies and I asked a lot of questions because I wasn't sure if I'd ever have kids of my own and I was curious. I didn't feel weird about it and actually felt really blessed that I'd helped create a child and helped out two parents. At that point, I totally forgot about the money I made and the credit cards I was able to pay off and the down payment I was able to make on my house. Helping those people was what really counted. The parents seem so great and their family seems great. The parents feel and felt great about having me as a donor, from what I could tell at least. I have no idea if the child knows now. I'm sure things will start adding up eventually and questions will be asked, and I told the parents that I would be open to helping them out in any way as I can, if I feel comfortable doing so. Three years ago, we did talk about possibly meeting in the future, which I said I wanted to do and that hasn't changed.  

Do you ever worry about the children that may be conceived by your sperm? 
Man A: Over the years, you can't help wondering things like, What if I find out one of my offspring was a mass murder? or things like that, but then I realized that these were children being born to parents who wanted to have children and were going through great effort to do so. That gives them a head-start in life over so many kids.

Man B: Sometimes I think about it, but I just feel like since I can't control it, I shouldn't worry about it.

Man C: The worries I had and still have are if the children have any kind of medical problems. I just felt like I would be devastated if some single mother or couple had to work through any issues which may or may not have caused by my DNA. I have none of those issues in my family or myself, but it still worried me. At the time of donating, I didn't worry about it too much because of all the testing they did, but then I started to worry about whether or not it was 100 percent accurate. 

Do you have any regrets about donating sperm? 
Man A: No. It may be the best thing I've done.

Man B: No, none at all.

Man C: I regret looking at the forums and message boards to find out if my sperm resulted in any children. Don't get me wrong. Finding out that my sperm worked and that the child is healthy, happy, and smart was and is absolutely wonderful, but I should have let my curiosity stop there. During the first few months of communication with the parents, I found myself worrying too much about how they were raising the child and if they should let him stay up so late, when those are totally inappropriate questions due to the nature of my relationship with the child and the parents. The bottom line is that I donated my sperm. I did not physically, emotionally, and mentally bring a child into this world. The parents who chose my sperm did. I have my family here and they have their family there. But I still regret even letting that dynamic develop further, so now we just talk on holidays and send each other happy birthday emails. 

If you could give anyone any advice about sperm donation, what would it be? 
Man A: Take it seriously. Particularly if you're agreeing to allow any possible offspring have contact with you when you're old enough because you're making a long-term commitment with emotional repercussions.

Man B: Go for it. Your donation may be helping someone have a child and you may be ensuring the survival of your genes. 

Man C: Expect the worst and hope for the best. Ask questions and completely understand the circumstances and process. Make sure your girlfriend or wife are completely on board with it. I actually met my girlfriend as I started the application process, and fortunately she was on board with it. If I had wanted to be a donor after we had met, I have no idea if she would have still been on board with it. She's still fine with it to this day and she does know that any of the children might contact me when they turn 18. We haven't had that "hypothetical situations" conversation yet, but we'll be older when it and if happens, and just take it day by day.  

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