During my last serious relationship, my then-boyfriend would semi-regularly recall anecdotes about his ex out of nowhere. One of his favorites was that she kept several domesticated pet cockroaches in her dorm room. (Too close for comfort, IMO.) Whenever we’d fight, he’d bring up Cockroach Girl™ and compare how she would’ve handled our current conflict differently, even though he broke up with her shortly after they made their relationship exclusive. Yet, there I was, almost two years into our relationship, living together and losing my mind over the ghosts of her and her cockroach farm.
I’m not the only one whose partner’s ex has unknowingly haunted a long-term relationship. TikToker Meg Mackenzies went viral on the app after sharing how one of her guy friends still brings up his ex-girlfriend. “Even though they broke up five years ago and haven’t spoken since, he still thinks about her all the time, and he is happily in the best relationship he’s ever been in his life,” she says in the video. Hundreds online, including therapist Alexandra Gunter, stitched the video and examined how the scenario is a classic case of the phantom ex.
What’s a “Phantom Ex?”
The term “phantom ex” was initially defined by Amir Levine, MD and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A., in their book Attached, as a past significant other that your current partner frequently dwells on and compares to you. A phantom ex can appear in a relationship when one partner has a persistent emotional attachment to that person, and their memory seeps into and impacts the stasis and health of their current relationship dynamic. But they’re not attached because they’re still in love. How a couple handles a phantom ex and how they appear in your relationship depends on your attachment styles and how they work together.
People with an avoidant attachment style (typically characterized by discomfort with feeling and showing emotions) “don’t like too much closeness and try to reduce the closeness in the current relationship,” says Dr. Levine. As a result, they reminisce about the what-ifs of a previous romantic relationship as a subconscious way to create distance in their current partnership. Of course, this can be upsetting to that person’s current partner, especially if they have an anxious attachment style (one where the person has a tendency to fear abandonment and feel anxious in response to relationship issues) and a “very sensitive radar for distancing,” says Dr. Levine. “They will get upset. It’s activating.”
Perhaps if I’d had a more secure attachment style, I might’ve been able to overlook my ex’s comments about Cockroach Girl™ and trust that they would have no impact on my relationship. But my anxious attachment style made me heavily reactive, causing a lot more tears shed over disagreements and explosive fights. And although my ex isn’t blameless for repeatedly bringing her up (his avoidant attachment style certainly didn’t help), his comments made me feel like I was competing with a person who I only knew from his idealized secondhand accounts, making my anxiety and imagination run wild. And of course, stalking her Instagram to confirm that she did indeed have three pet cockroaches all named after Sesame Street characters didn’t make things any better.
Is a Phantom Ex the Same as “The One That Got Away?”
“The one that got away” is widely recognized in pop culture as a lost love that didn’t work out—someone you still hold a torch for. Maybe you even daydream about them asking for a second chance at your front doorstep, in the pouring rain as orchestra music plays in the vein of a Nora Ephron–esque romantic comedy. But a phantom ex isn’t necessarily the same as “the one that got away.” While yes, they are someone your partner was previously involved with, the fixation doesn’t mean your partner wants them back or still has feelings for them. The phantom ex is usually just a means for your partner to subconsciously distance themselves from you.
In her viral TikTok, Mackenzies asks, “If men are still thinking about these exes or these situationships that ended abruptly or these people that they dated for just a short amount of time five years later, why did they ever end the relationship in the first place?” Having a phantom ex offers a person with an avoidant attachment style (see: my ex) a release from intimacy with their current partner (see: me)—a key tenet for people with avoidant attachment styles who have a strong discomfort with emotional intimacy in the first place.
If not talked about and dealt with through honest communication, the ex can become a point of contention within your relationship, living rent-free in your head and causing emotional havoc for sensitive partners. Your partner remembers their phantom ex without the trials, tribulations, and hard work that goes into maintaining a relationship. There’s “no complaining or nagging requests for healthy conflict resolution. The person they’re naming is real, but the way they describe them is often painted as a perfect picture of a human,” Gunter says.
Do Only People With Avoidant Attachment Styles Have Phantom Exes?
A partner’s fixation on their phantom ex is symptomatic of their attachment style, which is established by their initial caregivers when they were an infant. But both anxious and avoidant attached people can have one. While a person who’s avoidant can utilize their phantom for distancing, an anxious person may fixate on their ex when they’re upset with their current partner due to what they perceive as a lack of closeness and support in their relationship. Both can strain a relationship and cause a great deal of distress.
How to Deal With a Phantom Ex in Your Relationship
Use your partner’s phantom ex as a reason to have an open and honest conversation about where your relationship stands and each other’s needs regarding intimacy and closeness. “The phantom ex is not good or bad or healthy or sick. It’s about trying to feel comfortable in your relationship. It’s missing out on what’s in front of you because it’s hard for you to feel close,” says Dr. Levine.
Of course, it can be emotionally insensitive for a partner to frequently bring up their ex, regardless of their attachment style, and it’s especially hurtful when it constantly results in relationship disregulation. While an anxious partner seeks closeness, the avoidant seeks distance, so compromising and making room for both attachments “can help to create a more healthy dynamic,” says Gunter.
When communicating with your partner, be sure not to approach the conversation in an accusatory manner (ex: calling the phantom ex “Cockroach Girl™” to your partner’s face) and instead, check in about each other’s feelings and discuss whether you need more space or closeness within the relationship. Then implement a plan for how to spend time together and communicate in a way that meets both of your needs. A trusted relationship therapist can also be of great help if you’re struggling to find a friendly middle term.
Hopefully, recognizing that your partner’s phantom ex is a result of their avoidant attachment style (and not an indication of their feelings toward you) can offer some relief to those who struggle with an anxious attachment, and vice versa. Though this doesn’t excuse a partner who regularly harps on their ex, it can help explain why the phantom can feel like such a curse. For the longest time, I couldn’t help but pick at and compare every part of myself to Cockroach Girl™, from her appearance to her social media presence. But ultimately, I was comparing myself to a mirage—a false memory of a person with whom it ultimately didn’t work out. And I could’ve saved myself a ton of heartache and tears had I realized that sooner.
Maria Santa Poggi is a freelance writer. Her work has appeared in Vogue, Teen Vogue, Rolling Stone, InStyle, and Harper’s Bazaar, amongst other publications. She currently is an MFA candidate at Sarah Lawrence College.
