When you hear the term “bottom” in a sexual context, what do you think of? We’re guessing anal sex between gay or queer men might come to mind. And you wouldn’t be wrong, per se! That is definitely one definition of bottoming.
…But it isn’t the only one.
Bottoming is a fun and interesting role to play during sex and erotic play, but what it actually means isn’t always so straightforward. “Bottoming holds many different definitions for many different people, but the common thread is being on the receiving end of sexual play,” says Evan Goldstein, DO, an anal surgeon, sexual health expert, and founder of Bespoke Surgical. In the most basic of terms, you are the person having things “done” to you as the bottom partner.
Given that definition, you’d think bottoming would be easy, right? You just low-key lie back and enjoy the ride while your partner does the heavy lifting.
Wrong.
Here’s the thing: Being a bottom isn’t all about receiving an object (be it a penis, dildo, etc.) into your holes. Being bottom is a MINDSET. It is a way of being during sex. It is a role that can be all-encompassing when in the throes of passion or kink.
It is an art. It is a skillset. It is a craft. And as with all crafts, it needs to be perfected with practice and patience. Lying on the bed, receiving from your partner, accompanied with the occasional whimper is simply not going to cut it—not if you want to be a truly legendary bottom.
Goldstein points out that being a really fantastic bottom does not, in fact, mean giving up full control. In fact, the best bottoms are able to fully embrace their role while remaining in full control throughout the sex or scene. To do this, he says, “It’s imperative to set the stage for success.”
In that spirit, let’s dissect what it means to be a bottom, how it manifests in sex/kink, what makes people so horny for it, and dish out some truly epic tips to help you be the best bottom in all the land. It’s time to live up to your potential—straight from the bottom.
What Is Bottoming?
In the classic sense: A bottom is the receiver during anal penetration. This term is often relegated to the gay male and queer communities. The “Top” does the penetrating and the bottom is penetrated. “For gay men, bottoming isn’t just a sexual role, it’s a lifestyle. That’s why many say, ‘I am a bottom’ and not, ‘I prefer to bottom,’” explains Cosmopolitan columnist Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Fun Factory.
But while it is most often a term used within the MLM (men who love men) community, it isn’t always. Bottoming also has a special meaning in kink play. The bottom is typically the person having things “done” to them. “So you are a rope bottom (often called a rope bunny), if you’re the one who gets tied up. Whereas the one doing the tying is called the rope Top,” Zane explains. “If you’re getting spanked and called a good girl, you may be the bottom in that encounter.”
In the context of kink, the bottom is the submissive partner. In both anal sex and kink, bottoming can be deeper than a simple preference. It is a way of sexually and intimately relating.
Being a Bottom vs. Being a Submissive: What’s the Difference?
Being a bottom and being a submissive are often one in the same, but they aren’t always—especially when we’re talking anal sex. While we culturally use ‘bottom’ and ‘submissive’ interchangeably a lot of the time, there are key differences. “In reality, someone can be a total bottom and yet be the dominant one in full control,” Goldstein says.
Meaning: You may be the one being penetrated, but you aren’t the submissive partner. You are the one calling the shots. Your role as the dominant partner is not dictated by whether or not your butthole is being penetrated. It’s all about that juicy mindset and the role you’re embodying.
It’s important to understand this difference—especially at the beginning of your bottoming journey—because you want to “set yourself up for success,” Goldstein adds. You want to get clear about what being a bottom means to YOU and how you want it to look.
Why Do Bottoms Love Bottoming?
While the reasons someone might find bottoming enticing vary (humans are, after all, incredibly varied and complex), the three main reasons appear to be:
- That receptive anal is very physically pleasurable.
- The psychological mindset of being a bottom.
- The power dynamics in kink play.
The anus is a hotbed of pleasure. Goldstein says that anyone can unlock the power of an anal orgasm, regardless of gender. And, once you do, it’s hard to turn back. “We have many nerve endings that provide pleasure in the anal areas, both internally and externally,” he says. “Licking (analingus), rubbing, fucking, fisting—you name it, it stimulates those nerve endings from the entrance all the way up and into the rectum.” Plus, you can stimulate the prostate for penis-owners and reach the A-spot through the vaginal wall for vagina-owners. It’s pretty epic.
For those who identify as a bottom, the psychological pull of what this identity means can also be arousing. You’re turned on by being penetrated anally. It’s highly taboo—which makes it very sexually exciting.
And some people may love bottoming for a combination of reasons, says Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist. They may enjoy “being penetrated in several positions and being told what to do.” They enjoy being submissive, having their anus stimulated, and fully immersing into their identity as a bottom.
Sounds like a party, if you ask us!
5 Expert-Approved Tips to Be the Very Best Bottom You Can Be
We’ve gathered up the very best advice—whether you’re a bottom during anal, a bottom during kink, or both!
1. Embrace your bottom identity.
Being a good bottom is all about leaning into the role of being a bottom. No one wants a dead-fish bottom, lying stock-still waiting for things to be done to them. Show up enthusiastically and ready to rock’n’roll, and you’ve already done the majority of what it takes to shine.
2. Clearly communicate your wants, needs, and desires.
It’s very, very important that you can clearly and explicitly state what you like and don’t like. Just because you’re the bottom and/or submissive, does not mean you don’t get to co-create your sexual and erotic experiences. Like being choked? Say that. Want to be called a little slut? Speak it into existence. “Tops aren’t mind readers, and especially if you’re engaging in kink, you need to let your top know your turn-ons and boundaries,” Zane says.
3. Always take time to warm up.
Foreplay is absolutely key for both kink bottoming and anal penetrative bottoming. We need to be relaxed and ready before we get down and dirty. For anal penetration, we need to have our anuses prepared for anal, and this means warming it up. “Never underestimate the power of getting the mind and body fully relaxed and ready for penetration,” Goldstein says. “This is key for anal play.” Start with rimming, massaging the anus, and deep breathing.
4. Get your butthole ready.
If you’re bottoming as an anal sex recipient, Philips suggests starting with butt plugs to prepare for anal penetration. Being a good bottom means understanding how much you can take—and being aware of your limits. “If you're a first-timer, try starting with a smaller sized butt plug and working your way up,” he says. He suggests trying glass butt plugs, as they’re sleek and easy to insert.
Goldstein agrees, adding that anal dilators can be a huge help in starting to understand your anatomy. They come in a variety of sizes so you can work your way up. We’re obsessed with the anal dilators from Goldstein’s sexual wellness company, Future Method. Oh, and feel free to check out more of our favorite butt plugs here.
5. Lube is your best friend.
Lube, lube, more lube! “There is no such thing as too much lube when it comes to anal play,” Goldstein says. The anus doesn’t naturally lubricate the way a vagina does (although we certainly recommend lube for vaginal penetration, too). You NEED lube if you’re going up the bum! Goldstein says silicone lubes are the best for anal play because they’re super slippery and have great staying power. (Ahem, learn more about lube and which to buy here.)
TL;DR, being a good bottom is about preparation, enthusiasm, and communication. It really does go so much deeper (sorry!) than what we physically do with our bodies. Happy bottoming!
