The prophet Kim Kardashian said it best: âNobody wants to work anymore.â We're all slugging through our nine-to-fives for the sweet release of a $15 Aperol spritz at 5:30âone we can only afford because of said nine-to-five. Between capitalism, commuting, and clocking in for the daily grind, work is soul-crushing. The only way to make it better? Finding yourself a work crush. HR might say a workplace romance is a potential nightmare, but no, consider this permission to go ahead and say eff that (off Slack, ofc) because having an office crush is literally a daydream, and itâs one tiny, fun, and free thing we can do to make the day bearable. Hear me out.
The only thing that can make an early-morning meeting (be it virtual or IRL) worth it is making eye contact with a crush, pinning their window, and/or gazing at them longingly while your colleagues drone on and on about their vacations, kids, or whatever quarterly goals we havenât hit yet (blech). Yes, morning meetings are torture and most of them are unnecessary. But a morning meeting with a work crush on the calendar invite? There is no better way to get me out of bed! Suddenly Iâm laser-focused, my camera is on as f*ck, and I even put on makeup and pants. Who is she?!
Ofc, there are different types of work crushes to be had. A crush on a colleague or a member of your team makes catching up over Sweetgreen Harvest Bowls feel like a mid-day date. A crush on the cutie computer nerd in IT can make the spinning wheel of death feel like the spinning wheel of love. (Yes, you can enter my computer remotely. Letâs get intimate with my files.) And a crush on your manager or boss? Well, thatâs the jackpot. Normally, getting assignments from an authority figure is miserable, but not if you have a crush on them! It gives you a legitimate reason to go above and beyond at work. Maybe youâll even get a promotion!
One of my previous jobs was high-stress, with some 80-hour work weeks and a toxic boss. (Worst of all, it was business attire. Having to stress-cry in the supply closet in the middle of the day was bad enough, but having to do it with pancake ass?! Just, no.) One of the few bright spots of my week was our teamâs standing check-in with a client based across the country who had a hot assistant. Did I enjoy the hours of administrative work it took to put together their brand activation? Not particularly! But when heâd email that he was âsorry to botherâ me with a question, in my reply, my sign-off âbestâ actually meant âIâve saved my best for you,â rather than what it usually means: âIâve answered, now please leave me alone.â
(As we all know, âThanks!â means âI need something from you.â âThanksâ without an exclamation point, means âNo Thanks.â âSincerelyâ means âF*ck you,â and âRegardsâ means âNo really, f*ck you.â)
When the hot assistant came into town for the event, I was thrilled to learn he was tall. I had a feeling (IYKYK), but itâs hard to tell on Zoom. When he thanked me for my hard work and saved me a branded bottle of Veuve as a gift, I wondered if maybe I was his work crush tooâŠ.
Then he flew home, I was laid off (for reasons related to the economy, unrelated to my crush), and never heard from him again. Granted, I never found out if he had a girlfriend, and hey, I had a boyfriend! But it wasnât about that. The hot assistant was strictly business and served his purpose of making my daily grind just a little more ~fun~. You see, you donât have to be single to have a work crush. What happens in the office (and in your head) stays in the office (and also in your head). You donât call them your âWork Wife/Husbandâ IRL (embarrassing), no one knows about your affections (not even your work bestie, your work crush is your sacred space), and most importantlyâand for the whole thing to stay harmlessânothing actually happens. Thatâs why itâs not cheating!
You do notâI repeat, do notâgo full Jim and Pam and act on your crush for real... because unfortunately, HR has a (very annoying) point. And before you come for me, I know some people have met the loves of their lives by the water cooler or at the company holiday party. Even my own parents met at workâhe was a more senior employee, she was an assistant. But it was the â80s...you legally had to meet your husband at work.
My parents were the minority, and hello, now theyâre divorced! Trust, the likelihood that your coworker is the future co-parent of your child is slim. The likelihood that theyâre the future cause for a UTI because you broke up and now you have to walk by their desk anytime you need to go to the bathroom, so you decide to just hold it in instead? 100 percent.
One innocent after-work drink could lead to months of awkward interactions as you wrap a group assignment. Suddenly youâre signing off your emails with âRespectfully,â as in, âI saw you naked but letâs forget that happened,â or âCheers,â as in, âIâm currently drinking to feel better about having to keep talking to you.â
I had a situationship with someone I supervised once. (Yeah, Iâve always been a girl boss.) At first, it was fun to keep a sexy little secret from our coworkersâŠuntil he dumped me and I had to see him the following Monday, and every work day for six months until he left for another job. We never got in troubleâit wasnât the kind of gig where they had HR. (I was the closest thing to Human Resources, and I was 24 so I was barely a human.) But like, it sucked! (And I shouldâve known he didnât have a bed frame because I knew how much money he madeâthat is on me.)
So next time youâre at your all-hands, donât feel bad about fantasizing about your hot coworkerâs hands. Just keep the crush professional. You can touch base, but never go to first base. Unless youâre planning on quitting or youâve been laid off. Then, fuck it, you might as well get laid.
Jenny Gorelick is a comedian and writer based in Brooklyn. She's been called a âcrushworthy comedianâ by Time Out New York. Her writing has been featured in the New York Timesâs Modern Love column, McSweeneyâs, and New Yorker Shouts & Murmurs. Follow her on Instagram.