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What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety Paperback – October 25, 2011

by Jaclyn Friedman (Author)
See all formats and editions
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Co-editor of Yes Means Yes gives young women the tools to decipher the modern world's confusing, hypersexualized, sometimes dangerous landscape so they can define their own sexual identity.

In this empowering, accessible guide, Jaclyn Friedman-co-editor of Yes Means Yes-gives young women the tools to decipher the modern world's confusing, hypersexualized, sometimes dangerous landscape so they can define their own sexual identity. Friedman decries the hypocrisy and mixed messages of our culture (we're failures if we don't act sexy, but we're sluts if we actually pursue sex; we need to be protected from rapists lurking in bushes, but deserve "whatever we get" if we have a drink at a party and wear a skirt), and encourages readers to separate fear from fact, decode the damaging messages all around them, and discover a healthy personal sexuality.
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  1. Print length
    352 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Seal Press
  4. Publication date
    October 25, 2011
  5. Dimensions
    5.5 x 1 x 8.25 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1580053440
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1580053440
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"Don't have sex before you read this book! With her usual wit and candor, Friedman writes a manual for sex that teaches, engages, surprises and-most important-puts the reader in charge. What You Really Really Want will change the way a generation thinks (and acts!) about sex." —Jessica Valenti, author of The Purity Myth

"Too many books in this genre promise certain drive-your-man-wild tricks, or they take a side in the politicized debate over hookup culture. Friedman instead has one thing on her agenda: Getting girls to explore and embrace their own authentic sexual identities without shame, fear or guilt. Instead of arguing for empowerment through one-night stands or, conversely, abstinence, she leaves it up to young women to decide what it is that’s best for them. But she also offers guidance along the way, urging them to critically examine the social pressures and media messages that have shaped their understandings of sexiness, sexual fulfillment and love." —Salon.com

"It is a book that many readers may wish they had read earlier in their lives, and as a prospective parent, I'm looking forward to making my children read every last word of it." —Rabble.CA

"While basically permissive, this valuable guide can also help readers with differing views to organize a personal groundwork according their own perspective. Recommended for women and older teens who seek self-insight." —Library Journal

In a world of Pussycat Dolls and virginity pledges, What You Really Really Want carves out a path for real women to have real sex on their own terms. The information and exercises in this book have the power to change your sex life for good." —Susie Bright, activist, author of Big Sex Little Death

"There is more significant, sex-positive, shame-free, life-changing knowledge in a few pages of this book than you'll find in the entire public school sex education curriculum." —Tristan Taormino, sex educator, author of The Secrets of Great G-Spot Orgasms and Female Ejaculation

About the Author

Jaclyn Friedman's work has redefined the concept of "healthy sexuality" and popularized the "yes means yes" standard of sexual consent that is quickly becoming law on many U.S. campuses. She is a popular speaker and opinion writer and the creator of three books: Yes Means Yes, What You Really Really Want and Unscrewed.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Seal Press; 0 edition (October 25, 2011)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 352 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1580053440
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1580053440
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 11.3 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 1 x 8.25 inches
  • Customer Reviews:

About the author

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Jaclyn Friedman

Jaclyn Friedman

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Jaclyn Friedman’s work has redefined the concept of “healthy sexuality” and popularized the “yes means yes” standard of sexual consent that is quickly becoming law on many U.S. campuses. She is a popular speaker and opinion writer and the creator of three books: Yes Means Yes, What You Really Really Want and Unscrewed.

Friedman is a founder and the former Executive Director of Women, Action & the Media, where she led the successful #FBrape campaign to apply Facebook’s hate-speech ban to content that promotes gender-based violence. She hosts Unscrewed, a podcast exploring paths to sexual liberation, named a Best Sex Podcast by both Marie Claire and Esquire.

Customer reviews

4.2 out of 5 stars
4.2 out of 5
55 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

TL
5.0 out of 5 stars Great resource
Reviewed in the United States on May 16, 2015
Verified Purchase
I wish I had had this book when I was 20. It would have saved me many years of strife muddling through it myself in a toxic, sex-negative culture. After hearing someone recommend it to a younger acquaintance, I bought a copy to read... then promptly bought copies for my younger college-aged sisters. I thought it might be a kind of weird book to get from your sister (my family Does Not Talk about such things), but did it anyway. My sisters were extremely excited to get the book. One reports back that her dormmates are basically lining up to be the next to read it, and thanked me for being someone willing to talk to her about sexuality and sexual health. This is a GREAT resource for opening conversations and giving young women the space to figure out what they want for themselves.

I only wish I knew of an equivalent resource for young men.
4 people found this helpful
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Roger A Canaff
5.0 out of 5 stars Honest, comprehensive and effective
Reviewed in the United States on October 12, 2012
Verified Purchase
It's probably not easy to gauge the efficacy of a book by a woman and for women from a man's perspective. That being said, as a longtime sex assault prosecutor and anti-violence advocate, I can say confidently that WYRRW is a fantastic reference with common sense and deeply fair notions of not only self-protection and self defense (both psychologically and physically) but also self-discovery and self-support. I loved reading this book as a man, and not because I felt I was gaining some sexually valuable inside knowledge. Rather, it made me more attuned to what women often deal with (and that men don't) and how an emotionally healthy, happy and self-possessed woman can interact with a man (assuming she wants to) in a way that's better for both. WYRRW is not just a woman's book (although principally so). It's more of a book on being happy with who you are, what you want, and most importantly how to determine both in the first place. Great work, Ms. Friedman. I look forward to seeing more from you.
16 people found this helpful
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Dragonfly7110
4.0 out of 5 stars Very Good Book
Reviewed in the United States on December 23, 2012
Verified Purchase
This book was not at all what I expected when I first purchased it. I did not expect it to be a workbook of sorts and I initially was a little dissapointed. However, I started reading it and found myself doing the exercises and learning alot about myself in the process. Definitely worth buying!
4 people found this helpful
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Stephanie Thoma
5.0 out of 5 stars interactive and life altering
Reviewed in the United States on April 23, 2012
Verified Purchase
I found this book very helpful in beginning to differentiate between my sexual values, and the ones that society or my family bestowed upon me. I have always wondered why I am totally in support of my friends who openly express their sexuality, but have always been too concerned with looking like a "slut" to feel comfortable enough satisfying my own urges when I feel it is right. The journaling was very informative and made me realize that my hang-ups have been keeping me from experiencing this physical journey to the fullest. If you're open minded or want to become more so, then this book could be for you!
10 people found this helpful
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Filmmaster 6
3.0 out of 5 stars Do I really need this book
Reviewed in the United States on January 18, 2013
Verified Purchase
This is one of those books where the author really has better work else ware. It really did not live up to my expectations. If you want to try it go ahead,but personally I wold not run out to buy it.
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helennm
5.0 out of 5 stars What does SHE want?
Reviewed in the United States on April 24, 2015
Verified Purchase
A must read for any girl confused by or disappointed by sex. Depending on maturity this works for kids as young as 14, it isn't necessary to be sexually active to get the powerful message in here about self-esteem and not putting up with "expectations". Indeed, reading it before deciding whether or not to start will help make that decision the most healthy one. It is explicit, so expect questions if you have that sort of relationship with your daughter.
3 people found this helpful
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worksmarter
1.0 out of 5 stars One Star
Reviewed in the United States on February 11, 2018
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Taylor
5.0 out of 5 stars a MUST
Reviewed in the United States on August 27, 2014
Verified Purchase
Very insightful and a helpful tool for understanding sexuality on a personal level as well as a universal one. I appreciate how inclusive she is of all types of sexualities and does not limit it to a heterosexual perspective like a lot of things do. Very helpful especially for younger, single women and teens but a great resource for women of all ages and walks of life.
2 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Catherine
5.0 out of 5 stars It contains a lot of good information about consent
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 5, 2018
Verified Purchase
This should honestly be mandatory reading for a sex education curriculum. I wish I had read this in my mid-teens. It contains a lot of good information about consent, not caving into pressure from men, and deconstructing the shame society causes in women and girls about their own sexuality.
One person found this helpful
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S
5.0 out of 5 stars I whish some one had given me this book while young.
Reviewed in Canada on March 9, 2014
Verified Purchase
This one book is better then anything else growing up and even into adulthood that anyone ever bothered to teach me or any of the girls in all my classes. Had we had this and used it we would have had such a safer happier time of it.
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valkyrie9
5.0 out of 5 stars Wonderful book which could not have been more perfectly written ...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 27, 2016
Verified Purchase
Wonderful book which could not have been more perfectly written for a confused young woman like me. Jaclyn Friedman is not only the kindest, most sensitive voice out there but completely no-nonsense in helping the reader figure out what they want, in sex and in life. Would highly recommend.
One person found this helpful
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