Alcohol and other drug use is common — but most Australians don't know how to help their loved ones
When Denise (not her real name) found out her son was using drugs in his final year of high school, it took her by surprise.
She had suspected something was wrong for a long time, but he hid it well.
"It was such a shock, it's not what I was expecting, I certainly didn't recognise the signs," she said.
"I could see my son wasn't thriving … he didn't look healthy."
He mostly used cannabis, but over the years progressed to taking other drugs such as acid, cocaine and ecstasy.
He also withdrew from her and the rest of the family.
"It was really painful because we'd been really close and a close family," she said.
The worst part was the fear, and finding out he had been in "life and death" situations.
"I found out about him collapsing and being taken to hospital [while using drugs]," she said.
"Members of the public rang an ambulance and I am so grateful to them.
"To hear that as a parent, it's devastating and it's terrifying."
Denise said she knew she had to find a way to stop the drug use. Fast.
She gave him an ultimatum – stop the drug use or move out.
"I fully thought that would work," she said.
But the plan backfired. He did move out and Denise said it only further damaged their relationship.
"It was devastating for him, it was devastating for me," she said.
Looking back, she said she didn't know how to talk to her son about the issue, or what to do to help him – let alone herself.
Most people don't know how to help
A new Australian Alcohol and Drug Foundation (ADF) survey found that, like Denise, most people worried about a loved one's alcohol or drug use didn't know the best way to help them.
Nearly 60 per cent of people said they didn't know how to raise their concerns.
ADF chief executive Erin Lalor said people felt understandably overwhelmed.
"The majority … they just didn't know how to have that conversation or how to look for help," she said.
In that survey of 3,600 people, roughly 10 per cent said they were worried about someone else, and half of those had no idea where to find information or support to help their loved ones.
And of those that did, many waited a long time to get help.
"About a third of them were waiting five years or more to look for help and support and some of them were waiting more than 20 years," she said.
Dr Lalor said shame and stigma surrounding drug use were a big barrier to people getting the help they needed.
Not all alcohol or other drug use was a cause for significant concern, she added.
But she said when it harms someone's health, mental health, ability to work, relationships or general participation in life, it's time to find help.
Loading...Denise wishes she had sought help sooner and thinks it might have saved some pain and suffering for her and her son.
"It was really a few years, several years before I was earnestly looking for information," she said.
"I really needed support — sooner than I reached out for it — for how I was feeling about it: the loss that I was feeling, the fear that I was feeling, the anger."
Denise ended up seeking help from Family Drug Support Australia (FDS) and it was from there that things started to slowly change for the better.
Control and 'interventions' don't work, experts say
FDS clinical services manager Chloe Span works with people in Denise's situation every day.
She said one of the most difficult things for people to come to terms with was their lack of control over the situation.
"What we see is lots of families – they've got the car running, the rehab booked and bags packed and they're like, 'Come on, let's go,'" she said.
The evidence shows forced rehabilitation, staged "interventions" and "tough love" aren't effective, she said.
"There's a big difference between tough love and boundaries," she said.
Mrs Span said boundaries that maintain physical, psychological and financial safety are incredibly important.
She said asking a loved one to move out for safety reasons was different to asking them to move out as a threat to try and force change.
She said actions like providing money or shelter are not "enabling" someone's alcohol or other drug use.
"We are not in control of someone else's drug use and we are also not responsible for it," she said.
"If that person wants to use, they are going to find a way to use."
'I'm proud of my son'
Helping someone you care about whose alcohol and other drug use is distressing and can be a high-stakes issue.
More than 3,500 people died from using alcohol or other drugs in 2022, the latest data from the National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre (NDARC) showed.
That's more than 10 deaths a day, and the highest number of alcohol-induced deaths in 20 years, the NDARC said.
But Mrs Span said most people do recover, especially when they have a strong support system behind them.
"A loving, caring family [or friends] that are engaged and connected with them, that trust them, that are willing to listen to them, that's a hell of a big motivator for someone," she said.
For Denise and her son, working out how to talk to and trust each other worked wonders.
"Our relationship is close, it's probably closer now than it ever was. There's a lot of trust there," she said.
"A lot of that is due to the changes that I made. I'm really proud of my son and I'm proud of our relationship.
"We all need to feel loved and accepted. We need to feel belonging … he's told me that has been essential to him, to feel that and know that."
If Denise has one piece of advice for anyone else who finds themselves in the situation she was in, it's this: "I would say get some information first, don't go blundering in," she said.
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