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Traditionally, Santa Claus has not been thought of as a “hot” character role. Armie Hammer, Jon Hamm, and Robert Pattinson have not been shortlisted to play Kris Kringle, as far as I know. That’s because, usually, Santa isn’t a sexy young Hollywood A-lister. Santa is a kindly old man with a big jolly laugh, rosy cheeks, and a round belly, and we love him for it. He’s Edmund Gwenn in Miracle on 34th Street. He’s Ed Asner in Elf. And sure, maybe some people are into that jolly older gentlemen aesthetic—I don’t fault them for it, but these movies clearly aren’t aiming for mainstream sex appeal with their Santas.
Yet recently, thanks to some streaming Christmas movies, Hot Santa is worming his (or her) way into the mainstream. The latest example? Bill Hader and Anna Kendrick in the new Disney+ Christmas comedy, Noelle. Hader and Kendrick are not kindly old men; they’re pretty, young, attractive people with young fanbases. (And if you disagree that Hader is attractive, I can direct you to many a Tumblr blog that disagrees with you.) Last year, Netflix introduced the world to Kurt Russell in a red leather, fur-lined jacket—a grizzled zaddy version of Santa Claus that I frankly still don’t know quite what to do with. On Friday, Netflix drops a new animated Christmas movie, Klaus, and look, I’m not saying the cartoon Santa is hot, but the cartoon Santa is hot, y’all.
When faced with this plethora of attractive Saint Nicks, there’s really only one thing to do: Rank them against each other and find a winner. Each hot Santa—whom I’ve rated on a scale of 1 to 4 Santa emojis, with 4 Santa emojis being the maximum Santa hotness level—brings something unique to the table, but there can only be one winner in this totally made-up, hopefully, not-too-terribly offensive game. (Apologies to my own Catholic father. I, too, do not know what Christmas has become.)
Bill Hader in 'Noelle'
Ever since It: Chapter 2, there’s been a big “Bill Hader is hot” campaign push. Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely on board. I’m just not convinced that his full hotness potential is on display in Noelle. The whole point of his character, Nick Kringle, is that he’s an anxious screw-up who doesn’t want to be Santa Claus. That’s a hilarious character trait, but it’s not the kind of take-charge Father Christmas attitude that I like to see in Santa, ya know? That said, there is a scene near the beginning of Noelle where Hader is in an undershirt with festive, Christmas-themed suspenders. So needless to say, Hader is not out of the running for Hottest Streaming Santa.
Santa hotness level: 🎅 🎅
J. K. Simmons in 'Klaus'
Look, I know animation isn’t everyone’s cup of tea when it comes to SILFs, but I’m not above lusting after this beautifully hand-drawn hottie. Listen: The Santa in the new Netflix’s Klaus—an animated Christmas movie come to the streaming service tomorrow—is a total hunk. He’s all confident, mysterious, and manly with those broad shoulders, which he uses for chopping wood as well as guiding his sleigh. I have to give credit to J.K. Simmons for that deep, Santa voice, too—never underestimate the power of a hot voice. Klaus is definitely in the running for Hottest Streaming Santa.
Santa hotness level: 🎅 🎅 🎅
Quincy Brown in 'The Holiday Calendar'
Technically Quincy Brown is not Santa Claus in the Netflix original from 2018, The Holiday Calendar, but he does have a scene where he wears a Santa hat. (Cut me some slack, there are not that many streaming Santas!) The movie itself is an extremely skippable rom-com reminiscent of a Hallmark original. But Brown is adorable, especially in his Santa hat and elf costume—adorable enough to get a shout-out, even if he’s not technically in the running for Hottest Streaming Santa.
Santa hotness level: 🎅 🎅 🎅
Anna Kendrick in 'Noelle'
I didn’t want to spoil you guys in the feature image, but I think it’s pretty obvious by the trailer: Anna Kendrick‘s character in Noelle turns out to be the real Santa! Yes, Santa can be a woman! Watch the movie! Kendrick has the charm turned up to 11 in Noelle, and while it’s all very innocent and Disney, the fact remains that Kendrick is a gorgeous human being. Her hair in this movie is maybe the best it’s ever been. Those perfect brunette waves! How does she do it? Anna Kendrick is a very strong contender for the Hottest Streaming Santa indeed.
Santa hotness level: 🎅 🎅 🎅
Kurt Russell in 'The Christmas Chronicles'
Father Christmas who? Kurt Russell in this 2018 Netflix original is bringing you Daddy Christmas, and no, I will not apologize for using that phrase. How could anyone possibly compete with that red leather jacket and luxurious beard? He has a jailtime blues musical number where he wears sunglasses and gyrates his hips, for goodness sake. This is not your jolly, cartoon Santa, people. This is a large-and-in-charge Santa. This is a Santa with a swagger. This is, as Decider editor Meghan O’Keefe so eloquently put it, a Santa who fucks, and no other Santa, no matter how hot, can compete. We have our clear winner, folks. There is no hotter Streaming Santa than Kurt Russell in The Christmas Chronicles.
Santa hotness level: 🎅 🎅 🎅 🎅
