I Would Bang Kurt Russell’s ‘Christmas Chronicles’ Santa Claus

I can’t tell you what Netflix’s new holiday film The Christmas Chronicles is about — I think there are children and Santa’s sleigh is broken and the hat is missing and there are ugly elves and Chicago — but I can tell you that I would bang Kurt Russell‘s Santa Claus.

Now, I don’t usually go for Santa Claus. I’m not into jolly older men with twinkles in their eye. No, I’m into scrawny pretty boys tortured by a traumatic past. My type is Bill Skarsgard pouting in Shawshank Prison on Castle Rock, or Daredevil Season 3’s Dex, a character I once described as a “poor sociopath” (to actor Wilson Bethel’s face!). I am attracted to danger and cheekbones, not the paternal embodiment of holiday cheer.  Well, that was until I saw Kurt Russell’s Santa.

For the first time in my life I saw Santa Claus not as a lovable cartoon or minor deity. I saw Santa as a man. Here he is, just a dude, doing his job the best he can. He’s a little irascible, totally focused, and not here for your enjoyment. Delivering presents to all the good boys and girls of the world is a duty, gosh darn it. You know what happens when Santa doesn’t deliver? The Dark Ages happen. Society is pushed backwards, civilization unravels, and pestilence reigns. Kurt Russell’s Santa Claus understands this and I understand Kurt Russell’s Santa Claus.

I also understand that the main reason why I might suddenly be attracted to Santa Claus has nothing to do with his luxurious red coat, sweet ride, or unbridled charisma. It might just have everything to do with Kurt Russell himself. Russell is one of those actors that I grew up with. As a child, it didn’t really occur to me that he was a “sex symbol.” He was just that funny, goofy guy in Overboard and Captain Ron. Now that I am an adult, I can appreciate that, yeah, Kurt Russell is really freaking hot. (What’s hotter? The fact that he and Goldie Hawn are still a thing. Love is sexy, my friends.) 

Love is sexy and Kurt Russell’s Santa Claus is sexy. It’s in his swagger, pulled from the realm of Westerns and shot into the world of family friendly holiday fluff. It’s in the silver tufts of his glorious beard, so big and soft that I want to use it as a pillow. It’s in his crankiness, his kindness, and his bizarre jail cell musical number. The Christmas Chronicles‘ Santa Claus is a virile man who wears an “S” medallion around his neck. He teases his wife about how he’s “naughty” in a “nice way.” This Santa doesn’t waste his time in the mall. This Santa fucks.

So yeah, what I’m saying is that Kurt Russell’s version of Santa Claus has put me through a loop. I feel mentally like I’m in a sled that’s skittering off the ice. I am high off of hot chocolate and feverish with dreams of sugar plum fairies. I’m hot for Santa Claus this holiday season and I don’t care who knows it.

Watch The Christmas Chronicles on Netflix