Would You Rather: Jim Lovell or Ken Mattingly From ‘Apollo 13’

Life often presents us with tough choices, but we’re here to help work them out. Each week, we discuss two attractive men, weigh the pros and cons, and decide, once and for all, which one we’d rather have sex with. In this week’s Would You Rather, we discuss two heroes associated with the most famous ill-fated mission to space: Jim Lovell (Tom Hanks) and Ken Mattingly (Gary Sinise) in Apollo 13.

Tyler: Joel, it’s a big week for SPACE. First we had that blood red super moon (did you Instagram it???), then we found out that MARS has WATER (but still no MOMS!), and today the Matt Damon-starring thriller The Martian hits theaters. Now, I don’t know about you, but I hate space. I hate space a lot. Sure, most sci-fi movies bore me, and it just seems like an endless expanse of boring nothingness. But it’s also a pretty scary place where people just get stuck out there for all eternity. I blame my feelings about space entirely on the Ron Howard film Apollo 13, which I saw the summer it opened in theaters at the tender age of 11. I did not know until then that my biggest fear is to be stuck in space in a tiny little metal pod, floating indefinitely and praying to whatever higher power that Ed Harris can figure out how to bring me back.

Joel: Tyler, I had no idea we had this in common, but I find the idea of space to be terrifying and I think we just need to leave it alone. Leave Space, the ocean, and the mountains to whatever animals or creatures that look like rocks but actually live there so we all just chill on the relative safety of the ground. I don’t understand the impulse at all — the impulse to hurl ourselves into dark spaces, for what? The thrill of it? Let’s talk about all the deadly diseases we’ve cured while we fart around in space. Oh? None of the deadly diseases? Fuck space. Fuck space exploration! I don’t care what Pluto looks like, and quite frankly I do not need to see another handsome actor floating precariously through space. Never again. Apollo 13 was also the first non sci-fi related space adventure I witnessed, and it terrified me to no end. I didn’t find any of those men comforting (save one who we’ll get to in a moment), and if I can dig deep for a second, I’m going to announce to you all that this is probably one of the top-five movies that planted the seeds for my full blown general anxiety disorder as an adult. Thanks, space!

Tyler: The only thing I hate more than space is the ocean, and that’s because I once got stoned and watched a documentary about whales and then became convinced they are aliens. (I really hate it when animals exhibit human qualities like emotions, you know?) So, really, my two fears are very linked in the same root: aliens freak me out, I don’t like them, I don’t think we should be messing on their turf. I mean, we can barely function around other humans. We’ve been on this planet for however many years (science is hard) and still can’t manage to figure out how our brains work because we’re too far up our own butts to try. I cannot for the life of me figure out how pulled his head out of his ass and was the first to say, “Oh, the Moon? We should definitely go there.”

Joel: I wholeheartedly agree. Although, I have to admit, I was a little pissed off as a kid when I watched this movie and discovered it was some kind of historical drama and not The Abyss but in space, as I had originally assumed. (Speaking of terrifying aliens in the ocean.) In any case, fears about the sky aside, I think what makes this movie works is what makes any movie works: a little Tom Hanks and a little Gary Sinise. Which is why we’ve come together today. Who better to assuage our fears than the two OG dads of modern cinema.

Tyler: The ‘90s were really an incredible time, back when our heartthrobs were heartthrobs and actors were actors. There is decidedly a difference! Tom Hanks and Gary Sinise worked together twice in two of the most important and ingenious movies of the decade (although Forrest Gump has not aged so well after all these years), and they did so by playing incredibly unglamorous, pretty average dudes. If Apollo 13 were made today, we’d probably have the Chris Pratt / Channing Tatum pairing that have existed in the minds of self-hating gay men across this nation. So tell me, Joel, with which of these schlubby astronauts would you want to share other-wordly pleasures?

Joel: I’m so glad you brought up Forrest Gump, Tyler. Forrest Gump was a pretty big movie for my family and one that I can now smugly say I always hated. But the big reason was Gary Sinise! I found him to be so upsetting throughout the film that whenever he appeared on screen, I would be filled with so much anxiety, my mom would have to hold me close and whisper softly in my ear and then eventually just fast forward to the end when he was happy and had metal legs and a beautiful Asian wife (I don’t really want to unpack how frequent viewings of this scene have affected me today, but someday I will). Anyway, when he popped up in Apollo 13, I was immediately on edge, but here’s the crazy thing— this movie totally undid all of my Gump-inspired Sinise-aphobia. He was so calm. So stoic — heroic! And also tragic. Hanks is all well and good, but Sinise was the one who really managed to get those boys home, and he did it all while being SUSCEPTIBLE to MEASLES. Gary Sinise all day every day.

Tyler: I was truly on the fence about this pairing. I mean, I’ve never been a giant Tom Hanks fan, although I find him more objectively attractive than Gary Sinise. And while Tom Hanks carries a certain smugness about him that he manages to display as quirky charm, I’ve found Sinise’s gruffness to be unsettling. I mean, there’s a definite Blue State vs. Red State kind of mentality here. You know that Gary Sinise is the frontman for Gary Sinise and the Lieutenant Dan Band, right? And they play patriotic events to support the troops? I feel like Gary Sinise is probably friends with Kid Rock and they drink shitty whiskey together after USO shows. For me, I feel like Tom Hanks is the safer, more comfortable option — both as a real-life person and as veteran astronaut Jim Lovell.

Joel: I’m so deeply offended on behalf of Gary Sinise — an alumni of the famed Steppenwolf Theatre in Chicago — that you would dare put his name next to that of Kid Rock. Additionally, “more objectively attractive than Gary Sinise?” Look into Gary’s big, beautiful, horse-like eyes and type that sentence again. Tom Hanks is like 100% white, 100% whitebread, boring-as-fuck, bland. He is the heel of the whitebread. Gary has all the sharp angles of someone whose ethnicity you can’t quite place, which everyone knows is what makes a good movie star, band mate and lover.

Tyler: Gary Sinise has scarier angles in his face than anything I ever saw in Geometry class. (I had a year-long grade of 84 in Geometry, by the way. Literally every nine weeks that was my grade. I did not enjoy Geometry and I resent you for triggering me to think of it.) He’s also scary. Gary Sinise scares me. Almost as much as whales and the infinite expanse of space scare me. But now that I know you consider Sinise to be some hilariously strange expression of not whiteness (I really don’t want to get into identity politics through this backwoods gravel road, but, honestly, what the fuck, Joel?), can you tell me what about his character in Apollo 13 is better than Tom Hanks’? I mean, are you just grading on a curve because he couldn’t go into space even though he reeeeally wanted to, and you don’t think the dramatic irony of the film isn’t itself a just reward for his struggle?

Joel: He has the most interesting arc in the entire goddamn film! The tragedy of this man not being able to go to space because he wasn’t vaccinated for measles — he never got measles, by the way — I mean! What did Tom Hanks think was going to happen? That he’d get space measles? Fuck Tom Hanks for not letting him go to space. But then, oh but then, he has to help save them. This film is essentially just a group of nameless white guys biting their nails and watching computer screens for two and a half hours (as well as being the last known location of poor Kathleen Quinlan), but watching Gary Sinise’s triumphant smile when they landed safely, in large part because of his help, brought literal salty tears to my eyes. And then you find out he eventually gets to go to space! That’s compelling to me. Tom Hanks space-babysitting Kevin Bacon and Bill Paxton for days on end and then being so fed up that he never goes back into space is such a capital-B b-o-r-i-n-g story arc to me. And for the dozenth time let me remind everyone reading at home that I find weird scary men incredibly attractive.

Tyler: I think anyone who has read this column has figured that out. I mean, honestly? The reason I have continued this in the first place is to give you the platform to express that need and desire so effectively. I basically just want to sit back and let you continue because my truck in this fight isn’t as large as my unmitigated pleasure at reading you discuss your weird sexual tastes in creepy white dudes. Please, go on.

Joel: It’s not a blanket creepy-white-dude fetish, Tyler. It requires a very specific set of crazy looking eyes and skills. It just so happens that Gary Sinise is the dean of students of that particular academy of men (holler, recent grad Michael Shannon). All of those components could be combined in another man, and if everything isn’t balanced quite correctly, it could be a literal disaster. Look at Bill Paxton in this film! He’s definitely creepy (yes, good), a little unhinged at times (awesome, a delight), and seems like he would get into a bar fight (keep going!) but ultimately all those parts come together in a big sweaty mess, and he ruins what is otherwise a movie with a perfect mid-nineties actorly heartthrobs track record.

Tyler: I will say that, as a contrarian myself, I appreciate your steadfast refusal to accept Tom Hanks as the better choice here solely on the fact that his all-Americanness is repugnant to you. I mean, it’s not 1995 anymore, Tom Hanks! I like that. But I still refuse to get behind Gary Sinise, which is why it’s time for my favorite part of our column: who’s your second choice? I would not go with any of these astronauts: Bill Paxton is creepy, for sure, but Kevin Bacon? Talk about angles. No thank you! Which leaves us with Ed Harris. I would… accept Ed Harris.

Joel: There is a scene where Kevin Bacon is getting out of the shower or something, and I still find that to be a very sexually triggering moment for me on re-watch, but yeah. It’s gotta be Ed Harris. The man holds up!

Tyler: I just feel like sometimes you need a take-charge kind of guy, probably someone who looks and dresses like your grandfather did in the late ‘60s. He’s intimidating and scary but also will get shit done.

Joel: Dude probably is kinky as hell, too. With that haircut? You know he uses the belt but does not have any children. If you catch my drift.

Tyler: I don’t know what you mean exactly, and I think this is where my fascination with your tastes draws the line. Anyway, RIP Kathleen Quinlan’s career, you had such a short life.

PREVIOUSLY:
Jimmy Fallon vs. Stephen Colbert
Troy Dyer vs. Michael Grates from Reality Bites
Wolverine vs. Cyclops from X-Men
Ross vs. Joey from Friends
Coop vs. Andy from Wet Hot American Summer

 

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Photos: Everett Collection